The last time I posted (yes, it’s been a few weeks) I
told you that I would soon be generating a blog about pornography. It’s not a pretty topic, but certainly an
important issue to explore when discussing the ethics of Christian dating. If you are secretly into pornography, then
you are not an ethical Christian dater. No
one else may see what you are looking at on your computer at 2 am, but God
does. Another interesting question I
would like to pose today is…….. as a
participant in a CHRISTIAN SINGLES GROUP – How many of YOU MEN are sitting
alone in that group BECAUSE…… BECAUSE…. Your WIFE divorced you because she
could no longer tolerate your pornography addiction (or your habitual adultery,
which went along with it)??? Right here,
right now, in the Gateway Single Adult group in Southlake Texas, I know of about
THREE of you….. and I only know a very small handful of you, because I seldom even
attend! LET’S GET REAL HERE, because this
is a REAL ISSUE among Christian Singles!!
Pornography is like a cancer in the brain. It causes twisted thinking, and ultimately,
abuse of women and children. It’s a
one-way spiral down. It does not enhance
one’s sexuality, it downgrades it. In
the end, as it progresses, it causes serious performance issues. It is highly addictive. Brain scans done on porn addicts look the
same as brain scans done on alcohol or heroin addicts. All three addictions leave large “holes”, or
pockets, of dead area in the brain. That’s
scientific proof. The first time I saw it
was while reviewing research done by Dr. Carolyn Leaf, a cutting edge expert on
brain studies. If you also need God’s
proof, here you go:
Matthew 5:28But I
say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath
committed adultery with her already in his heart.
Exodus 20:14 14
Thou shalt not commit adultery.
While attending Celebrate Recovery for almost a year to
deal with grief issues after my husband passed, I noticed several men in the program
working to overcome pornography addictions.
I befriended a very attractive woman whose husband was battling it. She had a terrific personality, blonde, beautiful,
thin, and could have easily graced the cover of Glamour magazine. Her husband was short, plump and rather
homely. He was far more interested in
his airbrushed computer women than he was in her. This gorgeous woman was
totally starved of his love and attention.
Their marriage was on the rocks and their whole family was in turmoil,
even the kids, due to his addiction. A
person of logic wonders why a man could only be stimulated by pictures of
strange women he’d never met; rather than by a physically beautiful, perfect,
warm, loving woman sleeping in his own bed.
Why? This addiction ultimately rots the brain, robs, steals, destroys
and kills, just like any other satanically inspired addiction.
This is a topic that I have vast exposure to. I am well qualified via life lessons to
discuss it. My oldest daughter is very
attractive, with thick, curly, waist length chocolate hair and a perfect body
most women would kill to have. Her
relationship with her man ended up destroyed, because night after night, month
after month, he chose to spend his time and physical attention on virtual women
posed on his computer screen, rather than on her. Not to be graphic, but as the addiction spiraled
out of control, he eventually got to the point that he was unable to sexually
perform with her at all. She often got nothing for 2 or 3 months on end. She was devastated and walked away from that relationship
with her self esteem severely bruised. I
have another relative with 3 beautiful little girls. Her husband became addicted to pornography
and she divorced him because she feared for the safety of her girls.
My first husband was a pornography addict and a habitual
adulterer. Our 9-year relationship was a
hell on earth. For the last years of our
relationship, my skin crawled every time he touched me. I grew to hate him. I felt disrespected, dishonored, and dirty
all the time. My self esteem was totally
destroyed. He ultimately ended up
sexually molesting our youngest daughter when she was barely 5 years old. She is now almost 30 and still bears the deep
spiritual and emotional scars of his perverted abuse. I myself was deeply scarred from his evil
addiction as well, until I did some serious spiritual work (which took several
years) and let God heal me. This is
proof positive that pornography is not a victimless sin, affecting only the
viewer.
I was discussing this topic with a Christian friend awhile
back. He was dabbling in some light
pornography, and I asked him why in the world was he doing that. He said since his wife was gone, the photos served
as a substitute wife. He said that the
pictures had nothing to do with real women and would not affect real relationships. He also believed the pictures did not affect how
he personally viewed real women, and he
also believed that most men looked at pictures in private. Thinking back on that conversation partially
inspired me to write this blog. I want
to clear up some misconceptions that people have about this issue.
For one thing, most men do not have a clue how
devastating it is when a woman finds out they are looking at pornography. They do not understand that introducing
pornography into the marriage is like bringing in a third party. It is very dishonoring from a woman’s
perspective. Most men do not understand how
their viewing pornography is actually “emotional
adultery”, causing a woman to feel like she is not good enough, or attractive enough
to keep her man satisfied, so he has to seek something besides HER. What is even more difficult to deal with is
that this THING that her man is choosing over her is not even HUMAN….. thus
eroding her personal femininity and humanity even further!!! Men do not understand how the hurt and
deprivation coming out of this rejection of HER womanhood causes a woman to shut
down emotionally, and stop sharing her innermost self. They do not understand how their selfish behavior
imprisons and starves a woman’s spirit and breaks her heart. They do not understand how it destroys friendship,
trust and intimacy. They don’t understand how it totally ROBS them of the inner
essence of the woman God designed to be their best friend and soul mate.
Men also do not understand how damaging it is to a woman
when they force or coerce her into viewing pornography with them. It is emotionally like being forced to
participate in a threesome. It leaves a
decent woman feeling very demeaned, devalued, disrespected, and dirty. She certainly won’t love or respect her
husband for that!! (Men…. Besides SEX, RESPECT is your deepest NEED. It is as necessary to your wellbeing as the
air you breathe. You want to eradicate
all respect your woman has for you, just bring in the dirty videos and
pictures, make her watch them with you, then ask her to do the nasty things you
see the porn star do, and see how much she respects you after that…….. Respect will be totally annihilated!) Pornography destroys countless relationships, it’s
a proven statistic. What makes you think
your relationship will be immune? Are
you so special to God that He will change the laws of human nature for you??? I can assure you, He won’t!!
The PRICE pornography costs a relationship is far more exacting
than the temporary physical satisfaction or stimulation it provides. Destruction
of trust ALWAYS destroys intimacy. A
woman will never share herself on a deep emotional or spiritual level with a
man who has broken her trust with his use of or addiction to pornography. He is usually left with an automaton with a
locked up soul, who merely goes through the motions of being a wife. She often GAINS WEIGHT, becomes bitter,
nagging, resentful, passive/aggressive, or aggressive/aggressive, and
emotionally unavailable and unsupportive --
making the virtual, airbrushed women even more appealing to our addict,
because he can project whatever personality characteristics he prefers onto their
perfect bodies.
Men may SAY that looking at pornography does not affect their
relationship, but it does. A man, being
visual, cannot HELP but compare the airbrushed women he sees on screen or in
print to the real woman he has beside him.
If she has had children, or if she is past the age of 35, and has not
diligently taken care of her body, there is NO WAY she can even come close to
the physical perfection of the images he so desires. If she has borne children,
or older, she is often somewhat overweight, with some sags, some bags, some
wrinkles, and some cellulite. She doesn’t
look like the Victoria’s Secret model when she puts on a swim suit. At that point, when he starts to make
comparisons, the man ends up feeling cheated and dissatisfied because his focus
has been diverted from what is truly important.
(Face it – most average women do not have 4 to 6 hours a day to spend
working out at the gym, nor do they have unlimited funds for various plastic
surgeries, nor do they have personal graphics artists brushing away all their
flaws, like the porn stars do!) Show me a man who regularly looks at porn, who
doesn’t begin calling his wife “fat”, or criticizing her body in some way, and
I will show you an anomaly.
The man ceases to realize that the soul of the inward
woman is far more important and valuable than the average body of the outward
woman. At that point, he begins using
pornography to cheat himself, and rob himself of intimacy, and isolate himself,
without even realizing it. You can’t be
best friends with, be attracted to, or admire a spouse that you come to find
sadly substandard in the looks department, once your focus has been corrupted
and diverted to seeking physical perfection because of your pornography
addiction. Steal, Kill, Destroy – the primary goals of Satan. Do you see what he just did here, to the man
AND to the woman?? He has stolen love, affection, and intimacy. He has
destroyed the spiritual and emotional support of the relationship, and
possibly, he has KILLED the marriage!
Let’s have a look at what it says in the book of
Proverbs. I love this verse.
Proverbs 5: 18 Let
thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.19 Let her be
as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times;
and be thou ravished always with her love.
The man is to be SATISFIED with his wife’s physical
attributes (even if they are not perfect), and carried away with HER love. It doesn’t say to be satisfied with the
concubine or mistress or porn star’s breasts….it says WIFE. If you LOOK at
other breasts, gaze upon, drool upon, EXAMINE other breasts, the breasts of the
wife will soon cease to satisfy you. Therefore, you ought to be ONLY looking at
HER BREASTS!!! Satisfaction dies when comparing a wife,
especially a middle aged wife, to an airbrushed or physically perfect porn star.
Nobody is going to be carried away into ecstasy by any sort of love at all – be
it physical, OR emotional, OR spiritual, when a third party is introduced into
the relationship to corrupt the intimacy and erode the female self esteem in
the marriage. There will be HURT, RAGE, WAR
and DISCORD. Trust me…. I’ve been there,
walked that road!
Understand that I am not cracking on men here, I do realize
that there are women who become addicted to pornography as well. However, it is a much more prevalent and
serious problem with men, because men are far more visual than women. There are probably 50 male porn addicts for
every female addict.
Women are more prone to WRITTEN pornography because they
are wired to be more emotional than visual.
That is why you can go into any airport terminal or drugstore and find
racks of x-rated novels with overflowing bosums and bulging muscles painted on
the racy covers , describing intimate relations between men and women in
shockingly lurid detail. Many women have
huge collections of these novels, which brings about a whole new set of issues. If the women addicted to written porn are married, they can end up expecting their
husbands to behave like the super-hero type men in the novels, which the
average man simply does NOT do!! Thus,
the wife becomes grossly disappointed in her pedantic, unromantic husband and
succumbs to an unhealthy fantasy life. If
the women are single, those books take their thoughts down dark and shady avenues
where they have absolutely no business going.
When I was 12 years old, my mom bought me my first
Harlequin romance novel. Back in those
days, Harlequin was clean. Nothing ever
went beyond a kiss, but flowery romance and drama abounded. Eventually, I ended up with quite a
collection of these. When I was very
miserably married to my first husband, romance novels became an escape. They took me out of the real world. Looking back on it now, I can see where that
was not healthy either. When I became
single again, I occasionally picked up a few novels at garage sales, which
weren’t Harlequins, and which did not adhere to the moral cleanliness standards
of the Harlequins. After a point, being
a single woman, and trying to live for the Lord and keep things straight, I
realized that none of these novels had any place in my life, not even the
Harlequins. They made it more difficult
than it already was. I am not saying
that people who read light, clean romance novels are sinful and that they have
to stop, but you have to do what you can to PERSONALLY keep things straight,
whatever that is. If you, as a single
woman, can regularly read romance novels and keep yourself straight, by all
means, do so. However, God expects ethical
morality of you as a Christian serving Him, but if you have something diverting
your focus, it needs to go.
If you are reading novels that are lurid and sexually
explicit, ladies, that is the same as pornography. It is mental pornography, and you don’t need
it, it’s SIN. Eventually, although none
of them were what I would call hard core explicit, I ended up throwing out all the
non Harlequins in my collection, and taking my massive collection of nice,
clean Harlequins down to the old folks home for the entertainment of the shut
ins. Personally, I could not maintain my
status quo on the single life while regularly reading romance novels. I’ve been widowed over 5 years now, and
occasionally somebody will give me a Christian romance novel. Sometimes I read one, but most of the time I
don’t. I usually pass them on to someone
else. If you searched my extensively
populated book shelves, you wouldn’t find more than one or two. I just can’t read that kind of stuff and
remain satisfied in my single life. It
has to go. It’s a personal choice I
make. I don’t want to be miserable, and wasting
my time and energy focused on something that God says I am not allowed to have
in my life right now.
For men and women, we need to keep this scripture in mind:
2 Corinthians 10:5
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the
knowledge of God, and we take CAPTIVE every THOUGHT to make it obedient to
Christ.
Men have a huge problem with lust. Pornography feeds lust like pouring gasoline onto a pile of smouldering twigs. Am I judging men unfairly and being sexist??
No.
I sometimes talk to them, and I LISTEN to them sharing. How can
men stop lusting? It's a conscious decision of their WILL. They have to quit
LOOKING with lust. If you let it run it’s
natural course without actively diverting it… the glance becomes a gaze… then
the gaze becomes an obsession… then the
obsession becomes action. Like Barney
Fife used to say on the Andy Griffith show “Nip it in the Bud!”
Men have to take their thoughts captive, not allow their
thoughts to carry them away to forbidden lands like a runaway train. This requires character and self discipline,
not spiritual or emotional laziness. Ladies,
the same thing goes for you, too.
If you look on a person with lust, you have committed
adultery with them in your own heart.
That saddens the heart of God.
When you look on a person with lust, you rob them of their unique individuality
and the human personhood which God instilled into them. You are stripping away their soul and spirit,
which is what makes them a beloved and fellow child of God, and relegating them
to a mere animalistic sex object. This
act is extremely disrespectful. You
should never strip a fellow God-created being of their humanity and soul and
relegate them to the status of a mere animal.
It is very wrong, and it is exactly what lust does. It grieves the heart of God. View your fellow members of humanity with the respect
God requires of you. In your head, leave
them clothed, unless they are your spouse.
If they are your spouse, you can do whatever you like with their clothes,
within your head or without your head…. Within decency and reason…. That’s why
God created marriage and the bed undefiled.
I had a bunch of documented statistics about the damage
done to society by pornography, that I planned to share. However, due to time and space, I will leave
that off. You can go read the statistics
for yourself, anytime. This is
personal. Blogs are supposed to be
personal. I hope this has given you food
for thought. If you are delving into
pornography, even lightly, do yourself a favor….. and STOP before it
destroys your life and your future
relationships. God bless you, and I’ll
see you next time!
