What Do You Do When a Romance Goes Wrong?

There are a lot of reasons for a romance to go down in flames.  People are people, even Christian people.  We are all fallible, and subject to making mistakes.  Sometimes, even though people may share the same values, they can still be flat out incompatible.  Or, one person may not be ready for a relationship when they think they are, and the other may be past ready.  There are a lot of factors to figure in; recovery level (from divorce), spirituality level, responsibility level, maturity level, background, faith, interests, etc.  

I was on Facebook the other day, reading some of the posts of one of the church singles group volunteers (and commenting).  She had a lot of pertinent points.  She recently went through a breakup, and was sharing about pressing in to God for recuperation and recovery from the pain, planning next time to search for a mate God's way and not her way.  Sometimes, even though we believe we are doing it God’s way, we still get fooled and we still get hurt.  God has a different path marked out for each of us. We cannot deviate off that course if we want to step into what God has for us. Our path is not someone else’s path.

I recently went through a romance train wreck myself.  It was awful, and I have had some difficulty recovering.  For 5 years after the death of my husband, I did not “date”.  I met several guys, and considered them, but none felt quite “right” to me.  One of them who came across my path was only interested in me for what he THOUGHT I had, and when he found out my best friend had what  he wanted (a nice bank account left to her by her dead husband), he went for her while trying to string me along.  God warned me something wasn't right,so I was saved from that.  So, for 5 years, I waited for Mr. Right. 

I became friends with a man about a year ago.  We chatted a lot, and started out as “church friends”.  Then we started spending some time together.  We had a lot in common.  We had both been treated very badly by people in our past. He was very newly out of his long-time relationship.  We had a strong spiritual connection, and talked at length about God and spiritual things, and other things that were more personal than they should have been (red flag #1).  We had a strong mental connection as well.  However, he was working through some issues which troubled me (red flag #2), but since we had such a connection, I chose to ignore that. There came a point when he wanted to push our relationship beyond the casual friends level, and I went along with that. I had other things going on, so I did not think or pray it through properly. I thought it would work out because I felt a very strong connection and  both of us SEEMED committed to loving and pursuing God.  It had been a long time since I had such a strong spiritual/emotional connection with anyone. Normally, I much very reserved about that sort of thing.  Sometimes you just click with somebody, and you don't know why.  I considered him a special friend with whom I had much in common. (In retrospect, I can see I cared much more about  him than he did about me!---but hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?)

HOWEVER.  There is always a HOWEVER, isn’t there????  At the time I made the decision to let the status of the relationship change, I had a lot of personal trauma and drama going on in my life that was causing me a lot of distraction. My dad and my sister-in-law were both terminally ill.  I was unemployed and had been looking for work for months. I was struggling with major depression.  I had serious plumbing problems and other issues with my home. Two of my adult children were behaving very badly toward me. My sister was generating a big family drama, with me at the center of her upset. There were some hurtful misunderstandings regarding members of leadership at the small church where I served as a volunteer for 3 years, which later caused me to decide that church was not where I belonged.   I was physically, spiritually and emotionally exhausted.  I was not in prayer and Bible study as I should have been, and Satan was attacking me from all sides. 

I needed a friend, and support in the midst of my drama and there HE was!!!  If I had been in my normal “mode”, I would have guarded my heart more closely, and very probably would have chosen NOT to cross the line from casual to non-casual.  I would have carefully weighed all issues, and realized he had not had enough TIME to recover from his previous relationship, and he needed MORE time to emotionally recover from his messy divorce, health issues, and his floundering home-operated business.  I would have never broken my own “rules” about being the first romance a man has after a divorce, or dating someone who has been divorced for under two years.  With him, I broke those rules. My subconscious mind knew better.

Shortly after we moved from casual to non-casual, I noticed a sudden, tremendous “backpedalling” on his part.  He suddenly became emotionally unavailable, and for a couple weeks, actually seemed to be avoiding me.  Our communications faltered.  I knew something was horribly wrong, so I tried talking to him about it.  Finally, he admitted “Well, I THOUGHT I could make this relationship work, I THOUGHT God was doing something, but I AM JUST NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR WEIGHT!”  I was devastated.  My weight did not seem to be a factor when he wanted to change the status quo of the relationship!!! What suddenly changed overnight???  

My Dad and beloved sister-in-law/best friend had both just DIED, and my daughter and grand-daughter had just that week moved out of my house after my daughter told me she hated my guts and hoped I would die, my sister was trashing my reputation with the entire family over the fact that I was at my sister-in-law’s deathbed when my dad went critical (they died within 48 hours of each other), and my son had just gone to jail for a DWI.

NOW a guy that I had actually come care for deeply because of a strong spiritual/emotional connection tells me he can’t date me any longer, because I am suddenly so FAT he is not attracted to me???  Say WHAT???  Needless to say, I did not handle that very well.  I tried to make him understand why I was so upset by such a declaration, and his response was to justify his behavior and further insult me with other negative personal remarks.  At that point, I had what you might call a melt-down, and we communicated some pretty harsh things to each other. 

I cried my eyes out for many days.  Although we had not been involved that long, I cared about him very much.  We had shared thoughts and emotions on a very deep level, and suddenly he was GONE.  I had to figure out a way to pull myself back together without breaking apart.  My feelings for him were much stronger than even I realized, because I had been careless and had not guarded my heart.  I had allowed myself to fall headlong for this man, without weighing the more serious issues.  After I calmed down and analyzed things, I realized that it probably wasn’t my appearance as much as the fact that he was not ready for a romantic relationship, and he needed an “out” to extricate himself from any possible commitment to me.  He still had strong residual feelings for his ex-wife which he had not even begun to recover from.  I was actually more upset over the loss of the friendship than I was over the potential romance.

I started walking nearly every evening, and beating down Heaven's door, talking to God.  I had to get past the pain. I had not dated in over 5 years and my heart felt totally smashed.   I had to do some serious work to recover (and still working on it).  I am not a woman who can turn her feelings on and off like a faucet, if I care, I care deeply.  It took me at least 6 weeks to feel anything but wretched.  I spent a lot of time journaling and reading the Word, trying to recover my wrecked self-esteem. I felt fat, ugly, unwanted, and completely defeminized.

I spent a lot of time meditating on Bible verses affirming me as special and valuable to God.  My favorite was Song of Solomon 2:4 He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love.  Another was Zeph 3:17 17 The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing. Another was my old standby favorite Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
 

After nearly two months, I started to feel almost human again. The "dating" part of our relationship didn't even last THAT long!  I even started talking with him again, just as a friend, and even praying for his healing and resolution for his issues. I knew God brought him into my life for a reason, and it was not God's fault that I messed it up by being careless.  We made our peace, and we both asked and gave forgiveness.  The relationship is tentative at best. We will never recapture the friendship or the openness we once had.  It will never be a romance either.  Even should it somehow re-kindle, I would always feel insecure, even if it happened that the way I looked really wasn't the true reason I was "kicked to the curb" by someone I cared for deeply, and considered my best friend.  Every time any woman younger, or thinner passed by, I know I would feel unwanted and inferior.  After once being married to a man who continually kept flowers on my kitchen table, and who told me at least 10 times a day that I was beautiful and loved, I wouldn’t be able to live with that sort of a substandard relationship. 

 However, I learned a lot in that two months suffering over a broken heart.  I re-learned to WAIT ON THE LORD.  I also re-learned to pray pray pray pray for protection from wrong relationships. If there is anything that seems not right about a relationship, anything that needs “fixing” before it can work, then DO NOT GO THERE.  I also re-learned to GUARD YOUR HEART, especially when that person has committed nothing to you.  I also re-learned never to give more than you receive, or you will end up unappreciated, and taken for granted.  I also re-learned that GOD will not give you a sub-standard relationship.  He wants to give you the BEST, because  you are the APPLE of His eye!!  

The long and the short of it is, I already KNEW about everything that caused this train wreck.  However, due to getting sidetracked with the traumas and dramas of life, I allowed myself to become DIVERTED from the path God had set for me, and I paid dearly.  I lost a friend.  My heart got broken.  I spent weeks in misery.  I wasted much time and energy when I should have been doing more important things, gathering the shattered pieces of myself back together.  Now, it is back to the wait for Mr. Right, OR a life of solitude, whichever God deems BEST for me.  Learn to be CONTENT where I am.  Wait on the Lord. Trust Him for His best, whatever that is.  Dedicate myself to His plan for my life, and willingly give HIM control of my feelings and emotions.  Nail my heart to the cross.  Crucify it, so He can resurrect it to new life.  Let HIM repair me, and make me new.  After all, GOD is in the business of mending broken things.  Even hearts.

New Years Resolution for 2013

I haven't posted in a few months.  I have had a lot going on. Today's blog is a little more personal than what I normally share.  Late this summer, my father became critically ill with symptoms from his Parkinson's disease.  My sister-in-law's cancer took a serious turn for the worse. I was occupied with illness for quite some time. Both of them passed away this fall. I helped plan two funerals in one week. It was very difficult, and I am still suffering emotional backlash. In addition to deaths, there was serious family drama unfolding. And, as you might imagine, there were some personal issues as well. Consequently, blogging was the last thing on my mind.  However, it is a New Year and time to get back into the swing of things. So much fell by the wayside, I'm having difficulty catching back up.  I am also ramping up my job search because BILLS must be PAID. Therefore, my NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS are very simple this year.

On Sunday, the pastor at Crosstimbers in Argyle brought an excellent message on letting go the old so you can step forward into the NEW. If we aren't reacting to things like we should, or following God like we should, we have to ASK Him to make our broken places NEW so that we CAN do and be what God calls us to. It's all about surrendering and letting go.

As each day passes, I realize how much I am dependent on God. I can't do anything without God. I can't clean up my house, or pay my bills, or loose weight, or even crawl out of bed in the mornings. These last several months I have been struggling with a bone-crunching depression that has literally been crippling me. HONESTLY, there were days I would not have made it out of bed without God's help. There were also days I wouldn't have even made it through the day without giving in to despair and ending it all. There were days when I felt the loneliness and discouragement might kill me, because I felt them exploding in my chest like a hand grenade. My soul felt like it was gushing blood.

Sometimes, God has to let us break down completely so we will surrender everything to him, to realize that without HIM, we can do NOTHING. I always considered myself a very strong person. I had many people tell me how strong I was. I held everything together and I raised three kids on my own without welfare and food stamps. I received grand total of $300 in child support in 9 years from the biological father of my children, whom I divorced in 1989 for alcoholism, abuse, and infidelity. I was actually pretty darn proud of the accomplishment of raising the children on my own without assistance. However, I couldn't have done it without God's help.  I really wasn't giving God due credit back then. I was beginning to seriously struggle with my teenagers by the time I met and married my second husband.

The real trial came after my second husband died from cancer. Over the next few years, I struggled through career issues and the shame of long-term unemployment, more deaths in my family, family drama, battles regarding alcoholism, rebellion and legal issues with my children, and a multitude of personal issues and disappointments. I was brought to the very lowest point in my entire life. There comes a time when you realize that no matter how smart you are, or creative, or tenacious, or loving, or giving, or ANYTHING, you are just broken and nothing will MOVE for you. You realize you are totally powerless over it all. Every effort you make seems in vain. Nothing you DO means anything to anybody, your labor affects nothing.

That's when you throw up both hands in complete surrender to God, and you say "OK GOD, I cannot do this, even the simplest thing -- ANYTHING -- and if you don't take over, and clear up some of my mess, I will DIE face-down in it, so I TRUST YOU TO HANDLE IT!"  When you think about it, the only hands that can receive from GOD are EMPTY hands held up in surrender. God can't give you anything if your hands are already full, even if they are full of garbage.

I am not making a list of New Years resolutions this year, to lose interest in and break 6 weeks later. In myself, I haven't the power to keep any of them anyway.  I have but one commitment this year, and that is to get as close to God as I possibly can, and listen to His voice, and try to do the things I know He asks me to do. I have to "be a light and not a dark". (I pray that prayer every day -- "God help me be a light and not a dark!")

If I have to reach out to somebody after I have forgiven them for being a total jerk toward me, and HELP or encourage them when God says to, when I'd much rather avoid them for fear they will hurt me again, I have to do it. If He directs me to some bizarre idea to find employment, I have to do it. If He tells me to stop and pray with a stranger on the street, I have to do it.

Because, without His help and guidance, I will never pull out of this slump or change anything about the train wreck my life has become. On my own, I might remain unemployed forever and might loose everything I have. I might end up on the street with no one to care if I starve. My children might hate me forever, and remain alcohol-addicted, angry, poverty stricken failures spitting on my grave. I might remain single and alone from now on. I might lose the few friends I have. I might never find "the church" where I can be considered a valued part of the "church family", and fit in. I might disappear completely.

So here we go.....2013....just ME and GOD. I will be knocking on His door for ALL my answers, with empty hands, and I won't be stopping until my victory is achieved. I plan to do my best to UTILIZE for myself, each drop of blood that Jesus shed to buy my victories. I will share my victories with anyone who will listen, hoping that my victories will encourage them to seek out their own. We overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. The over comers achieve the crown of life. I don't want to reach Heaven with empty hands. I'd like to have at least one crown to present to my King.

The PROBLEM with PORNOGRAPHY

The last time I posted (yes, it’s been a few weeks) I told you that I would soon be generating a blog about pornography.  It’s not a pretty topic, but certainly an important issue to explore when discussing the ethics of Christian dating.  If you are secretly into pornography, then you are not an ethical Christian dater.  No one else may see what you are looking at on your computer at 2 am, but God does.   Another interesting question I would like to pose today is……..  as a participant in a CHRISTIAN SINGLES GROUP – How many of YOU MEN are sitting alone in that group BECAUSE…… BECAUSE…. Your WIFE divorced you because she could no longer tolerate your pornography addiction (or your habitual adultery, which went along with it)???  Right here, right now, in the Gateway Single Adult group in Southlake Texas, I know of about THREE of you….. and I only know a very small handful of you, because I seldom even attend!  LET’S GET REAL HERE, because this is a REAL ISSUE among Christian Singles!!

Pornography is like a cancer in the brain.  It causes twisted thinking, and ultimately, abuse of women and children.  It’s a one-way spiral down.  It does not enhance one’s sexuality, it downgrades it.  In the end, as it progresses, it causes serious performance issues.  It is highly addictive.  Brain scans done on porn addicts look the same as brain scans done on alcohol or heroin addicts.  All three addictions leave large “holes”, or pockets, of dead area in the brain.  That’s scientific proof.  The first time I saw it was while reviewing research done by Dr. Carolyn Leaf, a cutting edge expert on brain studies.  If you also need God’s proof, here you go: 

Matthew 5:28But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

Exodus 20:14 14 Thou shalt not commit adultery.

While attending Celebrate Recovery for almost a year to deal with grief issues after my husband passed, I noticed several men in the program working to overcome pornography addictions.  I befriended a very attractive woman whose husband was battling it.  She had a terrific personality, blonde, beautiful, thin, and could have easily graced the cover of Glamour magazine.  Her husband was short, plump and rather homely.  He was far more interested in his airbrushed computer women than he was in her. This gorgeous woman was totally starved of his love and attention.  Their marriage was on the rocks and their whole family was in turmoil, even the kids, due to his addiction.  A person of logic wonders why a man could only be stimulated by pictures of strange women he’d never met; rather than by a physically beautiful, perfect, warm, loving woman sleeping in his own bed.  Why? This addiction ultimately rots the brain, robs, steals, destroys and kills, just like any other satanically inspired addiction.

This is a topic that I have vast exposure to.  I am well qualified via life lessons to discuss it.  My oldest daughter is very attractive, with thick, curly, waist length chocolate hair and a perfect body most women would kill to have.  Her relationship with her man ended up destroyed, because night after night, month after month, he chose to spend his time and physical attention on virtual women posed on his computer screen, rather than on her.  Not to be graphic, but as the addiction spiraled out of control, he eventually got to the point that he was unable to sexually perform with her at all. She often got nothing for 2 or 3 months on end.  She was devastated and walked away from that relationship with her self esteem severely bruised.  I have another relative with 3 beautiful little girls.  Her husband became addicted to pornography and she divorced him because she feared for the safety of her girls.

My first husband was a pornography addict and a habitual adulterer.  Our 9-year relationship was a hell on earth.  For the last years of our relationship, my skin crawled every time he touched me.  I grew to hate him.  I felt disrespected, dishonored, and dirty all the time.  My self esteem was totally destroyed.  He ultimately ended up sexually molesting our youngest daughter when she was barely 5 years old.  She is now almost 30 and still bears the deep spiritual and emotional scars of his perverted abuse.  I myself was deeply scarred from his evil addiction as well, until I did some serious spiritual work (which took several years) and let God heal me.  This is proof positive that pornography is not a victimless sin, affecting only the viewer.

I was discussing this topic with a Christian friend awhile back.  He was dabbling in some light pornography, and I asked him why in the world was he doing that.  He said since his wife was gone, the photos served as a substitute wife.  He said that the pictures had nothing to do with real women and would not affect real relationships.  He also believed the pictures did not affect how he personally  viewed real women, and he also believed that most men looked at pictures in private.  Thinking back on that conversation partially inspired me to write this blog.  I want to clear up some misconceptions that people have about this issue.

For one thing, most men do not have a clue how devastating it is when a woman finds out they are looking at pornography.  They do not understand that introducing pornography into the marriage is like bringing in a third party.  It is very dishonoring from a woman’s perspective.  Most men do not understand how their viewing pornography is actually  “emotional adultery”, causing a woman to feel like she is not good enough, or attractive enough to keep her man satisfied, so he has to seek something besides HER.  What is even more difficult to deal with is that this THING that her man is choosing over her is not even HUMAN….. thus eroding her personal femininity and humanity even further!!!  Men do not understand how the hurt and deprivation coming out of this rejection of HER womanhood causes a woman to shut down emotionally, and stop sharing her innermost self.  They do not understand how their selfish behavior imprisons and starves a woman’s spirit and breaks her heart.  They do not understand how it destroys friendship, trust and intimacy. They don’t understand how it totally ROBS them of the inner essence of the woman God designed to be their best friend and soul mate. 

Men also do not understand how damaging it is to a woman when they force or coerce her into viewing pornography with them.  It is emotionally like being forced to participate in a threesome.  It leaves a decent woman feeling very demeaned, devalued, disrespected, and dirty.  She certainly won’t love or respect her husband for that!! (Men…. Besides SEX, RESPECT is your deepest NEED.  It is as necessary to your wellbeing as the air you breathe.  You want to eradicate all respect your woman has for you, just bring in the dirty videos and pictures, make her watch them with you, then ask her to do the nasty things you see the porn star do, and see how much she respects you after that……..  Respect will be totally annihilated!)  Pornography destroys countless relationships, it’s a proven statistic.  What makes you think your relationship will be immune?  Are you so special to God that He will change the laws of human nature for you???  I can assure you, He won’t!!

The PRICE pornography costs a relationship is far more exacting than the temporary physical satisfaction or stimulation it provides.   Destruction of trust ALWAYS destroys intimacy.  A woman will never share herself on a deep emotional or spiritual level with a man who has broken her trust with his use of or addiction to pornography.  He is usually left with an automaton with a locked up soul, who merely goes through the motions of being a wife.  She often GAINS WEIGHT, becomes bitter, nagging, resentful, passive/aggressive, or aggressive/aggressive, and emotionally unavailable and unsupportive  --  making the virtual, airbrushed women even more appealing to our addict, because he can project whatever personality characteristics he prefers onto their perfect bodies.

Men may SAY that looking at pornography does not affect their relationship, but it does.  A man, being visual, cannot HELP but compare the airbrushed women he sees on screen or in print to the real woman he has beside him.  If she has had children, or if she is past the age of 35, and has not diligently taken care of her body, there is NO WAY she can even come close to the physical perfection of the images he so desires. If she has borne children, or older, she is often somewhat  overweight, with some sags, some bags, some wrinkles, and some cellulite.  She doesn’t look like the Victoria’s Secret model when she puts on a swim suit.  At that point, when he starts to make comparisons, the man ends up feeling cheated and dissatisfied because his focus has been diverted from what is truly important.  (Face it – most average women do not have 4 to 6 hours a day to spend working out at the gym, nor do they have unlimited funds for various plastic surgeries, nor do they have personal graphics artists brushing away all their flaws, like the porn stars do!)   Show me a man who regularly looks at porn, who doesn’t begin calling his wife “fat”, or criticizing her body in some way, and I will show you an anomaly.

The man ceases to realize that the soul of the inward woman is far more important and valuable than the average body of the outward woman.  At that point, he begins using pornography to cheat himself, and rob himself of intimacy, and isolate himself, without even realizing it.  You can’t be best friends with, be attracted to, or admire a spouse that you come to find sadly substandard in the looks department, once your focus has been corrupted and diverted to seeking physical perfection because of your pornography addiction. Steal, Kill, Destroy – the primary goals of Satan.  Do you see what he just did here, to the man AND to the woman?? He has stolen love, affection, and intimacy. He has destroyed the spiritual and emotional support of the relationship, and possibly, he has KILLED the marriage!

Let’s have a look at what it says in the book of Proverbs.  I love this verse. 

Proverbs 5: 18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.

The man is to be SATISFIED with his wife’s physical attributes (even if they are not perfect), and carried away with HER love.  It doesn’t say to be satisfied with the concubine or mistress or porn star’s breasts….it says WIFE. If you LOOK at other breasts, gaze upon, drool upon, EXAMINE other breasts, the breasts of the wife will soon cease to satisfy you. Therefore, you ought to be ONLY looking at HER BREASTS!!!   Satisfaction dies when comparing a wife, especially a middle aged wife, to an airbrushed or physically perfect porn star. Nobody is going to be carried away into ecstasy by any sort of love at all – be it physical, OR emotional, OR spiritual, when a third party is introduced into the relationship to corrupt the intimacy and erode the female self esteem in the marriage.  There will be HURT, RAGE, WAR and DISCORD.  Trust me…. I’ve been there, walked that road!

Understand that I am not cracking on men here, I do realize that there are women who become addicted to pornography as well.  However, it is a much more prevalent and serious problem with men, because men are far more visual than women.  There are probably 50 male porn addicts for every female addict.

Women are more prone to WRITTEN pornography because they are wired to be more emotional than visual.  That is why you can go into any airport terminal or drugstore and find racks of x-rated novels with overflowing bosums and bulging muscles painted on the racy covers , describing intimate relations between men and women in shockingly lurid detail.  Many women have huge collections of these novels, which brings about a whole new set of issues.  If the women addicted to written porn  are married, they can end up expecting their husbands to behave like the super-hero type men in the novels, which the average man simply does NOT do!!  Thus, the wife becomes grossly disappointed in her pedantic, unromantic husband and succumbs to an unhealthy fantasy life.  If the women are single, those books take their thoughts down dark and shady avenues where they have absolutely no business going.  

When I was 12 years old, my mom bought me my first Harlequin romance novel.  Back in those days, Harlequin was clean.  Nothing ever went beyond a kiss, but flowery romance and drama abounded.  Eventually, I ended up with quite a collection of these.  When I was very miserably married to my first husband, romance novels became an escape.  They took me out of the real world.  Looking back on it now, I can see where that was not healthy either.  When I became single again, I occasionally picked up a few novels at garage sales, which weren’t Harlequins, and which did not adhere to the moral cleanliness standards of the Harlequins.  After a point, being a single woman, and trying to live for the Lord and keep things straight, I realized that none of these novels had any place in my life, not even the Harlequins.  They made it more difficult than it already was.  I am not saying that people who read light, clean romance novels are sinful and that they have to stop, but you have to do what you can to PERSONALLY keep things straight, whatever that is.  If you, as a single woman, can regularly read romance novels and keep yourself straight, by all means, do so.  However, God expects ethical morality of you as a Christian serving Him, but if you have something diverting your focus, it needs to go. 

If you are reading novels that are lurid and sexually explicit, ladies, that is the same as pornography.  It is mental pornography, and you don’t need it, it’s SIN.  Eventually, although none of them were what I would call hard core explicit, I ended up throwing out all the non Harlequins in my collection, and taking my massive collection of nice, clean Harlequins down to the old folks home for the entertainment of the shut ins.  Personally, I could not maintain my status quo on the single life while regularly reading romance novels.  I’ve been widowed over 5 years now, and occasionally somebody will give me a Christian romance novel.  Sometimes I read one, but most of the time I don’t.  I usually pass them on to someone else.  If you searched my extensively populated book shelves, you wouldn’t find more than one or two.  I just can’t read that kind of stuff and remain satisfied in my single life.  It has to go.  It’s a personal choice I make.  I don’t want to be miserable, and wasting my time and energy focused on something that God says I am not allowed to have in my life right now.

For men and women, we need to keep this scripture in mind:

2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take CAPTIVE every THOUGHT to make it obedient to Christ.

Men have a huge problem with lust.  Pornography feeds lust like pouring gasoline onto a pile of smouldering twigs. Am I judging men unfairly and being sexist??  No.  I sometimes talk to them, and I LISTEN to them sharing.  How can men stop lusting?  It's a conscious decision of their WILL.  They have to quit LOOKING with lust.  If you let it run it’s natural course without actively diverting it… the glance becomes a gaze… then the gaze becomes an obsession…  then the obsession becomes action.  Like Barney Fife used to say on the Andy Griffith show “Nip it in the Bud!”  

Men have to take their thoughts captive, not allow their thoughts to carry them away to forbidden lands like a runaway train.  This requires character and self discipline, not spiritual or emotional laziness.  Ladies, the same thing goes for you, too. 

If you look on a person with lust, you have committed adultery with them in your own heart.  That saddens the heart of God.  When you look on a person with lust, you rob them of their unique individuality and the human personhood which God instilled into them.  You are stripping away their soul and spirit, which is what makes them a beloved and fellow child of God, and relegating them to a mere animalistic sex object.  This act is extremely disrespectful.  You should never strip a fellow God-created being of their humanity and soul and relegate them to the status of a mere animal.  It is very wrong, and it is exactly what lust does.  It grieves the heart of God.  View your fellow members of humanity with the respect God requires of you.  In your head, leave them clothed, unless they are your spouse.  If they are your spouse, you can do whatever you like with their clothes, within your head or without your head…. Within decency and reason…. That’s why God created marriage and the bed undefiled.

I had a bunch of documented statistics about the damage done to society by pornography, that I planned to share.  However, due to time and space, I will leave that off.  You can go read the statistics for yourself, anytime.  This is personal.   Blogs are supposed to be personal.  I hope this has given you food for thought.  If you are delving into pornography, even lightly, do yourself a favor….. and STOP before it destroys  your life and your future relationships.  God bless you, and I’ll see you next time!

Are You Qualified to be a Good Christian Date?

Being qualified to be a "Christian Dater" is vastly different than being qualified to be a "Secular Dater". In order to qualify to be a secular dater, there is only one criteria.  You have to biologically be a male or a female human.  That's it. Donkeys and mules don't qualify. To be well qualified as a Christian dater, and not MISREPRESENTING yourself requires quite a bit more substance!!  Most Christian daters DO misrepresent themselves, and THEY are the ones the rest of us  have to watch out for.  Or perhaps YOU are one of the "THEY"?  Perhaps you need to re-evaluate and re-prioritize. 

Most people who are Christian, who are dating, are asking God to send them the right person to spend the rest of their life with.  At least, that's what they're asking if they're truly Christian.  However..... do you really have the RIGHT to ask God to send YOU the right person, if you AREN'T the right person yourself?????  Let's kick this around for awhile......

If you are carrying around a bunch of BAGGAGE from your past relationship(s), you DON'T qualify.  What does that mean, exactly?  It usually means you have resentment seething underneath your surface toward the opposite sex due to the hurt from your past experience.  You've probably set up some judgements in your heart against them. Do you realize that the very thing you judge against is the very thing you will draw and ATTRACT??  That's not a myth, it is a spiritual LAW.

Do you feel you need to collect some scalps, make some people fall for you, to restore your self-esteem?  If so, you have no business dating.

Do you feel that "most" women (or men) are untrustworthy or manipulative?  Do you feel that "most" women (or men) secretly want to get their hands on your money or your resources?  Do you feel that "most" women (or men) are likely to cheat on you, or let you down?  Do you feel that "most" women (or men) are likely to abandon you when the chips are down? Do you feel that "most" women (or men) are inferior to you in the matter of intelligence?  (Or are you threatened when their intelligence seems superior to yours?)  Do you feel like you need to with hold or hide the depth of your true feelings in order to keep yourself from being hurt, used, or taken advantage of? 

We could go on all day with this list.... but I won't.  This is enough for you to get the idea.  Examine your inner feelings to see if any of these things, or other similar negative things are lurking. If they are, you need to do some emotional house-cleaning. If you are putting negative, personal judgements on the opposite sex, you aren't qualified to be a good, Christian date!

This might help. Realize that any "stereotype" is based on WRONG THINKING, and boot out your stereotypes.

"All women are manipulative, all women talk too much, all women try to get in your business too much, all women are nags, all women want your money, all women are shallow, all women are stupid....etc. etc." 

"All men want is sex, all men reject women who don't look like Barbie, all men are untrustworthy, all men want is a stupid woman whom they can easily manipulate, all men cheat, all men have the potential to abuse and control....etc. etc." 

This is just as closed-minded, screwed up and wrong as saying "All black people live on welfare... All white people are hateful bigots..... All brown people live in squalor... ETC ETC!"  If you are a person operating under stereotypes, you aren't qualified to be a good, Christian date!

STEREOTYPING blinds you and prevents your seeing people as they truly are.  It causes you to miss out on appreciating who they are as a person. The Christian way to view others is to view everyone as children of God, whether they are men or women. Look at each woman or man, and examine the uniqueness and individuality God imprinted them with. No two humans are alike.  Respect and admire the way God created your fellow man or woman.  If you change your mindset to reflect that attitude, it prevents a whole myriad of sins and judgements contaminating your view of the opposite sex, and thus, your romantic relationships. 

The attitude of appreciating each man or woman as an individual child of God, beloved and designed by God, will prevent you from lusting after them. Lusting after another person is a highly disrespectful behavior, especially if you claim Christianity. Lustful thoughts and behavior dehumanizes your fellow man or woman.  It transforms them into an object, rather than a unique, fellow, beloved child of God, deserving of your honor and respect. Lustful thoughts and behaviors prevent your seeing a person for who and what they are.  It can prevent your seeing their GOOD qualities, but it will also prevent your seeing their BAD qualities.  Either way, YOU LOOSE. Clean up your polluted mind, and divert your thoughts elsewhere.  If you are having trouble with that, sincerely ask GOD to help change your mindset! Get help if you need to. There is no shame in asking for help when you need it. The shame comes in when you engage in negative behaviors that could have been prevented had you asked for help when you needed it!  If you are a lustful person, you aren't qualified to be a good, Christian date!

Do you have irresponsible habits or addictions that you are battling?? Are you irresponsible with your money, leaving unpaid bills and operating under questionable ethics?  Do you abuse alcohol or pills? If so, you aren't qualified to be a good, Christian date!

There is one particular addiction that deserves its very own paragraph, and it is a very prevalent one affecting both men and women. Being single can cause it to be even more of a struggle. Do you LOOK at pornography???  I won't ask you if you are addicted, because you'll probably say you aren't.  If you even look at it, it's a big problem.  It probably deserves its very own blog topic, so we'll just hit the high points here today. 

It sets up unrealistic expectations of the opposite sex. It can't NOT affect how you view the opposite sex. Face it --- average people don't have 4 to 6 hours a day to spend working out and laying around in a tanning booth, and thousands of dollars to spend on spas and plastic surgeries in order to look like the porn stars. If you start looking at that garbage, that's what you'll expect your mate to look like. It will contaminate your reality and cause you to be disappointed in the good mate God gave you.  Plus, it is an addiction that can be more severe than any drug. Brain scans show that porn addicts have the very same sorts of "holes" in their brains as heroin and alcohol addicts.

Plus, men, do you have any earthly IDEA the HURT a woman feels in her spirit when her man looks at that garbage?  If you truly knew, you'd never go near it. It makes her feel like SHE is not enough, that you want something more than her. It introduces a THIRD PARTY into your relationship, just as though you were having an affair (but it is even more dehumanizing than an affair, because it is not even a REAL person doing the intruding!). When she feels like that, she will close vital, secret parts of herself off to you in order to protect herself from being hurt. Therefore, you will not have full access to the unique treasure within her make-up which makes her HER.  It is a relationship killer, and an intimacy killer. It's an evil lie that porn doesn't have anything to do with the way you feel about the woman in your life.  It DOES.  It will absolutely trash your relationships. (Yes.... you guessed it... I DO know quite a bit about this topic, I could probably write a book on it!) If you have a problem with porn, if you are a man or a woman..... before you date, GET HELP.  Because it will absolutely train wreck you. If you have any issues with porn, you ABSOLUTELY aren't qualified to be a good, Christian date!

Are you merely a recreational dater, with no interest in developing a permanent relationship?? Do you want to just play the field indefinitely because it's fun? If this is the case, then you have no business in the Christian dating arena.  Most Christian daters are looking for "THE ONE".  It's wrong to set up false expectations in people, thus setting them up for personal hurt and disappointment. God takes a dim view of those who hurt His other children.  If you are just playing around..... STOP DATING!  If you don't want to  make it real, keep your HANDS and your LIPS.....and your PRETTY WORDS to yourself!!! If you DO go on a date, then let it be known right up front that your interest is NOT ROMANTIC!!! And when your interest is not romantic, then DO NOT indulge in romantic speech or behaviors.  If you are outside these guidelines, you aren't qualified to be a good, Christian date!

Are you sincere in your Christianity, or merely paying lip-service to it?  Do you love God/Jesus with all your heart, and are you a committed Christ-follower? Are you willing to work toward performing the Great Commission (if you don't know what the Great Commission is, you're already disqualified...) to be a good Christian example, to love and serve others?  If not, you aren't a true Christian, therefore you couldn't possibly be qualified to be a good, Christian date! If you aren't, then REMOVE that phoney label you are wearing and select your dates from the secular pool!!

There is a lot more we could cover here, but I am writing a blog post, not a book.  These are just some things to consider, for starters. 

If you aren't qualified to be a good, Christian date, please, do the ethical thing and either FIX yourself to become a good Christian date before you date other good Christians..... or leave the Christian dating pool altogether and fish in the secular pool. There are far more people to choose from in the secular pool, and most of them aren't quite as picky.  It grieves the heart of God when He sees His children hurting and abusing one another with lies, misrepresentation and manipulation.  In God's kingdom, there is a spiritual law of sowing and reaping.  If you sow bad seed, you reap bad fruit. Don't heap sin and judgement upon your own head which you will surely have to pay for later.  The temporary thrill you'll get from collecting a belt full of Christian scalps is nowhere near worth what it will cost your body, soul and spirit down the road!

Blessings..... and may God bless your journey of self-discovery!

Top Criteria for Choosing a Date

The topic in this blog may be a very OBVIOUS point, but I think it's something that needs to be addressed in the Christian dating world. Sadly, it seems that the middle aged Christian dating world is plagued with the same divorce-causing cancer that affects the secular one.

Far too many singles are focused on the wrong things. When their focus is skewed, they end up getting into wrong relationships, and end up paying the ultimate price.... another divorce, or a broken heart, looking for someone new to date.

I recently overheard a comment about a guy who resurfaced in the GSA singles group I attend. They said he'd married, but divorced a few months later. I'd noticed that he'd disappeared for quite awhile. Then I noticed he suddenly appeared back on the scene.  This is not unusual. I often see this phenomenon in that singles group.  It generally  means that someone stepped away from the group and began dating.  Either they get married, or, more often, they resurface because the dating relationship didn't work out. In this man's case, he'd married, something had gone terribly wrong, and he very shortly ended up divorced and back in the group.

The interesting thing is, that not long after I began attending the group, about four years ago, while attending a singles dinner, I overheard this man loudly talking with a friend.  It was a very negative scenario. I brought friend to the dinner who'd been out of church for a long while. This man was actually wearing a gold church greeter tag with his name on it. The conversation we overheard was appalling, made even more so by the fact that he was a greeter for the singles. 

This fellow was loudly bragging to his friend about "dumping" a girl  because she had not "rung his bell".  He got quite in-depth about it. Apparently, she wasn't appealing enough to suit. I inwardly cringed for this poor woman being so crassly discussed, and sincerely hoped she was not present at the dinner to experience the personal humiliation such a conversation surely would have caused. The conversation was so loud that everyone within earshot for 15 feet couldn't miss hearing it. My guest was so appalled at overhearing this conversation, she refused to ever set foot in my church again. She insisted that if such behavior was tolerated and unaddressed by leadership at a singles dinner, she did not wish to participate in such a church. Fortunately she found another church to attend to her spiritual needs. Unfortunately, she had a very good point.

I hadn't realized the man in question married someone several months later. I was merely relieved to see his boorish behavior disappear from the Christian singles scene at my church. People really need to be more cognizant of the conversations they have in such a setting. They should always remember that they may be the only Jesus some people ever see, and thus they should exercise at least a modicum of conversational restraint and not behave like total Cretins.

Honestly, I wasn't surprised to see him BACK on the scene. From all indications of his outward behavior, he was looking for the wrong thing in a relationship. And, from what I'd observed, he was quite a jerk to boot.  The top of his criteria list for a desirable dating partner was geared toward appearance rather than character. I observe this far too often. 

I see women dating unsuitable men in Christian singles because the men are much younger, or quite handsome, when the men have nothing to recommend them, character-wise.  It usually ends badly. There is an old saying that you cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.  It's very true.  One man attending GSA is outgoing, tall, and handsome enough by some women's standards (not mine....because his flawed character off-puts me so totally I can see nothing desirable about him).  He has THREE failed marriages under his belt due to adulterous affairs he's had while serving in MINISTRY, and people know this. YET, some women in GSA continue to welcome his attentions!! WHAT???? This baffles me! I often see men choose women to date based on their looks alone, with character and personality seldom considered. Then, they wonder why the relationship doesn't last and they whine when their heart gets broken.

I simply do not understand why appearance is at the top of the list and character is at the bottom, when it comes to the majority of Christian dating.  Christ-followers should know better!!!! Is a man balding, or does he have a bit of a paunch? Is a woman a bit overweight, with a few more bags and sags and wrinkles than she ought to have, thus not qualifying to enter the Barbie contest?  Is that a godly, valid reason to DISQUALIFY a person from your dating pool???? Apparently so, at least in the circles I move in!

That bald man with the paunch may be the kindest, gentlest, sweetest man in the group, who'd treat his girl like a queen and lavish her with affection and attention, whereas that swarthy Lothario over there, who is handsome and 10 years younger than you will probably trash your heart because he is a known player. If you pass that bald man up, and date Lothario because you are so flattered he asked you, and you want something pretty on your arm to make your other girlfriends green with envy, you deserve the heartbreak you'll surely get for your shallow standards.

That woman over there who is 40 pounds overweight could have the most loyal, kind, trustworthy heart of any woman in the group. She could be the perfect Proverbs 31 woman, the one who'd hold a man's heart firmly in her hands, never let it go, and help him be all he can be in life. She may be just short of an angel. However, SHE usually gets overlooked and passed over for cute Miss Barbie over there, who is 15 years younger, catty, hateful, spiteful, competitive, snarky, and looking for a nice meal ticket. She'll get it, too, and that man providing it will be miserable and forevermore feeling like he somehow missed out on something special. He'll probably BLAME GOD for not sending him the PERFECT woman.... when God DID send the perfect woman, and he passed her by because she fell just short of his physical expectations.  His misery will serve him right for acting like such an idiot!  That free will will bite you in the rear every time, if you don't train yourself to listen to and follow the still, small voice of God's guidance and His gentle opportunities.

Don't get me wrong, people. I am not saying one should date only the fat or the bald.  What I AM saying is, look at EVERYBODY. Examine character before appearance. Don't dismiss someone out of hand because you don't see them as a Nicole Kidman or a Tom Cruise!! That is such an immature attitude to have, and you'll pay dearly for it, in the long run. TALK to the bald man -- find out what he's all about before dismissing him out of hand.  TALK to the woman who's a little too pudgy and get to know her, before writing her off your list of potentials. When you limit yourself, and go for the potential dates everyone else is going after, you severely limit your choices AND your chances, and are apt to pass up the most valuable gem in the box! Wipe away some of that dust, dig a little, and you're apt to find a gem of great price buried under all that cheap, rhinestone "made in China" JUNK.  The gilt and rhinestone may sparkle more, but the diamond is more desirable any day, because that gilt wears off with use and you end up with broken, tacky trash.

Choosing a dating relationship based on appearance rather than character is what the secular world does. It's also why there is such a high divorce rate.  Such immaturity and ignorance has no place in the Christian life-walk. You ought to know better. Choosing a mate is very serious business. You are talking about, hopefully, the rest of your life here. Eventually, everyone will loose hair, and bag and sag. Even Tom Cruise will loose most of his charm, once he turns 80. Those of us hitting middle age have already begun the process.  What are you people THINKING, for Pete's sake???  Character and the ability to stick with a relationship for the long haul is what really counts here, not the thickness of one's pompadour, nor a few extra pounds resting in the wrong place.  Christian singles need to wake up and smell the coffee on this matter!!!!  That junior-high type behavior ought to be long since passed by now! 

If you are guilty of choosing dates based on the wrong criteria (which you probably are, because about 95% of you men DO, and about 40% of you women DO) you need to GROW UP, lest you be like the pathetic MR. RING-A-DING man hanging out on the fringes of GSA again --- cycling back through divorce court, and crawling back to the singles group in humiliation, trolling the already over-fished waters for a new relationship. (Honestly, I am having a REAL HARD TIME dredging up any pity for that man!!!--Christian, or no!!)  I wouldn't give him the time of day, because I observed him being a horrible jerk.  EWWWW!  If some of you people weren't behaving like clueless idiots in the first place, you could be at home watching TV in bed, cuddling with your sweet soul mate and enjoying the comforts of your middle age.  I certainly know where I'd rather be!! (I do not enjoy attending singles groups ....... behaviors exhibited there by so-called Christian people appall me for the most part...)

So, I, for one, will be talking to that bald man sitting in the corner, or to that quiet man dressed like a nerd and wearing his pants a little too short, the guys that all the other women are passing by because they don't find their appearance quite "up to snuff".

Who are YOU busy choosing????  A year or two from now, will you be snuggled up with your forever sweetie, or will you be trolling the stale, over-fished waters of the tiresome singles group for a new person to date because your last relationship ended up a train wreck?? Could it be that your "picker" needs a godly overhaul??  Just sayin'.......

Talking VS Texting

We live in the modern technological age where everyone under the age of  50 seems to have their thumbs busily texting on mobile phone keypads -- texting at school, texting at work, texting in traffic, texting at the grocery store, etc. etc!! However, some of us who are past the age of  50 are slightly less enthralled with the concept of texting than the younger generation. We were taught, and learned manners, at one time.  Since everyone has gone so text crazy, I thought it would be a timely topic to blog about today. I'm certain it currently affects many of you, because it affects me!

I know someone who has been in a new relationship for about two and a half months. The two of them are what one might consider hanging on the edge of the senior crowd, but one of them has totally bought into the texting craze. The texter always texts the talker GOOD MORNING, and they exchange two or three brief texts before starting their day. They usually text in the evenings, and the texter sometimes falls asleep mid-texting.  Sometimes the texting episodes spread out over the entire duration of the evening, sometimes only for 5 or 10 minutes.  They generally have their dates over the weekend.

The talker is growing quite frustrated with the texting.  The talker can't hear the voice inflections, and finds the casualness and lack of one on one romantic interaction way too impersonal. This issue was brought up a couple of times with the new dating partner, with a request to spend more time talking on the phone, and less time texting. They seldom talk on the phone.  Even though the request was made twice now, the texting continues, and the intimate phone conversations desired by the talker fail to materialize.

I also see this texting craze going on with my kids. I invite my daughter over to my house to see a movie, and I catch her giggling at a point where the movie is not humorous. She's texting with her flame of the moment.  At Thanksgiving dinner, I noticed my son only giving half his attention to the family, and the rest of his attention was focused on his smart phone underneath the dinner table,juggling his texting between TWO girls he was seeing at the time.  I, personally find this texting behavior highly irritating and rude on the behalf of my children, and they are merely doing it in my presence, not doing it TO me.  I can only imagine how irritating my friend finds all this texting to be while on the receiving end of it, especially in a romantic relationship.

My talking friend got frustrated to the point of seeking advice of other friends. A mutual friend agreed that the behavior of the new dating friend was rather inconsiderate.  The question was asked "Well, how do you really know they are not with another date when texting you? On those evenings when you get only a few texts, maybe they are visiting with another date, and texting you from their bathroom!"

This threw a whole new fly into the ointment, making my talking friend more frustrated than ever.  So, when I was present, and some texts started rolling in from the date, I said "Well, you have made it known you prefer talking, not texting, so when the text comes, be very brief, sending only one or two word replies, maybe they will get the idea, and just call you!!  So a one word reply was sent.  One word replies were received in return, and no call was forthcoming!!! This caused more angst than ever.  I thought I should probably refrain from handing out further advice before I got myself in trouble.

All of this got me thinking about the whole etiquette of texting in general.  It's such a new thing, the topic has probably not yet been published in Ms. Manners latest volume on polite social behavior among adults. However, as on most topics I address, I do have a definite opinion on the matter.  Some of you might consider my opinion a little old fashioned, but hey, I'm kind of an old-fashioned girl who lives by old-fashioned Southern girl rules and genteel manners.

I think texting is OK when you don't have time for a phone call, or you are in a place where speaking aloud on the phone would be rude.  However, I find lengthy text conversations aggravating in the extreme.  Unless you are an extremely speedy keypad manipulator, you can verbalize something in 60 seconds that it would take you an hour to say via text.  Plus, if you are texting, you can't do anything else with your hands. It's a lot easier to move your mouth than peck on a 2 inch square keypad.  Also, it does lack the personal touch.  With phone conversation, you don't get the physical eye contact, but you do get the voice inflection. With texting, you get neither. If you are really into the relationship, and it's important to you, and spending time learning about that person, and experiencing the things about them that makes them THEM, WHY ever would you text if you could talk??? 

Now, if you are in the middle of a corporate meeting, and you cannot wait to experience SOME sort of interaction with your special beloved, I can certainly see slipping your smart phone under the conference table and texting "Lovebug, I miss you so much, I cannot WAIT for our date at the bistro tonight!"  That is perfectly acceptable.

However, if you are at home, and you are watching re-runs of "The Iron Chef" on the cooking channel, and your honey lives across town, and you won't have time to go on a real date until the weekend, and you choose to sit there and impersonally text your honey instead of experiencing the inflection of dulcet, loving tones falling upon your ear, YOU ARE NUTS!!!!!!  You are not experiencing your friend the way they need to be experienced, and YOU ARE A BORE!!!! You need to find yourself a boring, lackluster date who doesn't really care whether you date or not. There is no romance in you, and you are in for a dull relationship. Otherwise, PICK UP THAT PHONE and CALL YOUR FLAME. (If you don't want to be bothered with phoning, it's probably not a flame......its a smouldering wick.....about to extinguish!)  Talking builds intimacy.  If you don't call and talk, someone else will call to talk, and you'll loose out on a really great relationship with your lazy, lackluster ways!!

Relationships take WORK -- at least as much work as it takes to pick up the phone and create a spark. We aren't even talking about lighting a flame, just creating a spark.  There won't ever be flame without spark.

Again, this is just my opinion. You are all welcome to share your thoughts!  I'd love to hear some other input on this!