Are You Qualified to be a Good Christian Date?

Being qualified to be a "Christian Dater" is vastly different than being qualified to be a "Secular Dater". In order to qualify to be a secular dater, there is only one criteria.  You have to biologically be a male or a female human.  That's it. Donkeys and mules don't qualify. To be well qualified as a Christian dater, and not MISREPRESENTING yourself requires quite a bit more substance!!  Most Christian daters DO misrepresent themselves, and THEY are the ones the rest of us  have to watch out for.  Or perhaps YOU are one of the "THEY"?  Perhaps you need to re-evaluate and re-prioritize. 

Most people who are Christian, who are dating, are asking God to send them the right person to spend the rest of their life with.  At least, that's what they're asking if they're truly Christian.  However..... do you really have the RIGHT to ask God to send YOU the right person, if you AREN'T the right person yourself?????  Let's kick this around for awhile......

If you are carrying around a bunch of BAGGAGE from your past relationship(s), you DON'T qualify.  What does that mean, exactly?  It usually means you have resentment seething underneath your surface toward the opposite sex due to the hurt from your past experience.  You've probably set up some judgements in your heart against them. Do you realize that the very thing you judge against is the very thing you will draw and ATTRACT??  That's not a myth, it is a spiritual LAW.

Do you feel you need to collect some scalps, make some people fall for you, to restore your self-esteem?  If so, you have no business dating.

Do you feel that "most" women (or men) are untrustworthy or manipulative?  Do you feel that "most" women (or men) secretly want to get their hands on your money or your resources?  Do you feel that "most" women (or men) are likely to cheat on you, or let you down?  Do you feel that "most" women (or men) are likely to abandon you when the chips are down? Do you feel that "most" women (or men) are inferior to you in the matter of intelligence?  (Or are you threatened when their intelligence seems superior to yours?)  Do you feel like you need to with hold or hide the depth of your true feelings in order to keep yourself from being hurt, used, or taken advantage of? 

We could go on all day with this list.... but I won't.  This is enough for you to get the idea.  Examine your inner feelings to see if any of these things, or other similar negative things are lurking. If they are, you need to do some emotional house-cleaning. If you are putting negative, personal judgements on the opposite sex, you aren't qualified to be a good, Christian date!

This might help. Realize that any "stereotype" is based on WRONG THINKING, and boot out your stereotypes.

"All women are manipulative, all women talk too much, all women try to get in your business too much, all women are nags, all women want your money, all women are shallow, all women are stupid....etc. etc." 

"All men want is sex, all men reject women who don't look like Barbie, all men are untrustworthy, all men want is a stupid woman whom they can easily manipulate, all men cheat, all men have the potential to abuse and control....etc. etc." 

This is just as closed-minded, screwed up and wrong as saying "All black people live on welfare... All white people are hateful bigots..... All brown people live in squalor... ETC ETC!"  If you are a person operating under stereotypes, you aren't qualified to be a good, Christian date!

STEREOTYPING blinds you and prevents your seeing people as they truly are.  It causes you to miss out on appreciating who they are as a person. The Christian way to view others is to view everyone as children of God, whether they are men or women. Look at each woman or man, and examine the uniqueness and individuality God imprinted them with. No two humans are alike.  Respect and admire the way God created your fellow man or woman.  If you change your mindset to reflect that attitude, it prevents a whole myriad of sins and judgements contaminating your view of the opposite sex, and thus, your romantic relationships. 

The attitude of appreciating each man or woman as an individual child of God, beloved and designed by God, will prevent you from lusting after them. Lusting after another person is a highly disrespectful behavior, especially if you claim Christianity. Lustful thoughts and behavior dehumanizes your fellow man or woman.  It transforms them into an object, rather than a unique, fellow, beloved child of God, deserving of your honor and respect. Lustful thoughts and behaviors prevent your seeing a person for who and what they are.  It can prevent your seeing their GOOD qualities, but it will also prevent your seeing their BAD qualities.  Either way, YOU LOOSE. Clean up your polluted mind, and divert your thoughts elsewhere.  If you are having trouble with that, sincerely ask GOD to help change your mindset! Get help if you need to. There is no shame in asking for help when you need it. The shame comes in when you engage in negative behaviors that could have been prevented had you asked for help when you needed it!  If you are a lustful person, you aren't qualified to be a good, Christian date!

Do you have irresponsible habits or addictions that you are battling?? Are you irresponsible with your money, leaving unpaid bills and operating under questionable ethics?  Do you abuse alcohol or pills? If so, you aren't qualified to be a good, Christian date!

There is one particular addiction that deserves its very own paragraph, and it is a very prevalent one affecting both men and women. Being single can cause it to be even more of a struggle. Do you LOOK at pornography???  I won't ask you if you are addicted, because you'll probably say you aren't.  If you even look at it, it's a big problem.  It probably deserves its very own blog topic, so we'll just hit the high points here today. 

It sets up unrealistic expectations of the opposite sex. It can't NOT affect how you view the opposite sex. Face it --- average people don't have 4 to 6 hours a day to spend working out and laying around in a tanning booth, and thousands of dollars to spend on spas and plastic surgeries in order to look like the porn stars. If you start looking at that garbage, that's what you'll expect your mate to look like. It will contaminate your reality and cause you to be disappointed in the good mate God gave you.  Plus, it is an addiction that can be more severe than any drug. Brain scans show that porn addicts have the very same sorts of "holes" in their brains as heroin and alcohol addicts.

Plus, men, do you have any earthly IDEA the HURT a woman feels in her spirit when her man looks at that garbage?  If you truly knew, you'd never go near it. It makes her feel like SHE is not enough, that you want something more than her. It introduces a THIRD PARTY into your relationship, just as though you were having an affair (but it is even more dehumanizing than an affair, because it is not even a REAL person doing the intruding!). When she feels like that, she will close vital, secret parts of herself off to you in order to protect herself from being hurt. Therefore, you will not have full access to the unique treasure within her make-up which makes her HER.  It is a relationship killer, and an intimacy killer. It's an evil lie that porn doesn't have anything to do with the way you feel about the woman in your life.  It DOES.  It will absolutely trash your relationships. (Yes.... you guessed it... I DO know quite a bit about this topic, I could probably write a book on it!) If you have a problem with porn, if you are a man or a woman..... before you date, GET HELP.  Because it will absolutely train wreck you. If you have any issues with porn, you ABSOLUTELY aren't qualified to be a good, Christian date!

Are you merely a recreational dater, with no interest in developing a permanent relationship?? Do you want to just play the field indefinitely because it's fun? If this is the case, then you have no business in the Christian dating arena.  Most Christian daters are looking for "THE ONE".  It's wrong to set up false expectations in people, thus setting them up for personal hurt and disappointment. God takes a dim view of those who hurt His other children.  If you are just playing around..... STOP DATING!  If you don't want to  make it real, keep your HANDS and your LIPS.....and your PRETTY WORDS to yourself!!! If you DO go on a date, then let it be known right up front that your interest is NOT ROMANTIC!!! And when your interest is not romantic, then DO NOT indulge in romantic speech or behaviors.  If you are outside these guidelines, you aren't qualified to be a good, Christian date!

Are you sincere in your Christianity, or merely paying lip-service to it?  Do you love God/Jesus with all your heart, and are you a committed Christ-follower? Are you willing to work toward performing the Great Commission (if you don't know what the Great Commission is, you're already disqualified...) to be a good Christian example, to love and serve others?  If not, you aren't a true Christian, therefore you couldn't possibly be qualified to be a good, Christian date! If you aren't, then REMOVE that phoney label you are wearing and select your dates from the secular pool!!

There is a lot more we could cover here, but I am writing a blog post, not a book.  These are just some things to consider, for starters. 

If you aren't qualified to be a good, Christian date, please, do the ethical thing and either FIX yourself to become a good Christian date before you date other good Christians..... or leave the Christian dating pool altogether and fish in the secular pool. There are far more people to choose from in the secular pool, and most of them aren't quite as picky.  It grieves the heart of God when He sees His children hurting and abusing one another with lies, misrepresentation and manipulation.  In God's kingdom, there is a spiritual law of sowing and reaping.  If you sow bad seed, you reap bad fruit. Don't heap sin and judgement upon your own head which you will surely have to pay for later.  The temporary thrill you'll get from collecting a belt full of Christian scalps is nowhere near worth what it will cost your body, soul and spirit down the road!

Blessings..... and may God bless your journey of self-discovery!

Top Criteria for Choosing a Date

The topic in this blog may be a very OBVIOUS point, but I think it's something that needs to be addressed in the Christian dating world. Sadly, it seems that the middle aged Christian dating world is plagued with the same divorce-causing cancer that affects the secular one.

Far too many singles are focused on the wrong things. When their focus is skewed, they end up getting into wrong relationships, and end up paying the ultimate price.... another divorce, or a broken heart, looking for someone new to date.

I recently overheard a comment about a guy who resurfaced in the GSA singles group I attend. They said he'd married, but divorced a few months later. I'd noticed that he'd disappeared for quite awhile. Then I noticed he suddenly appeared back on the scene.  This is not unusual. I often see this phenomenon in that singles group.  It generally  means that someone stepped away from the group and began dating.  Either they get married, or, more often, they resurface because the dating relationship didn't work out. In this man's case, he'd married, something had gone terribly wrong, and he very shortly ended up divorced and back in the group.

The interesting thing is, that not long after I began attending the group, about four years ago, while attending a singles dinner, I overheard this man loudly talking with a friend.  It was a very negative scenario. I brought friend to the dinner who'd been out of church for a long while. This man was actually wearing a gold church greeter tag with his name on it. The conversation we overheard was appalling, made even more so by the fact that he was a greeter for the singles. 

This fellow was loudly bragging to his friend about "dumping" a girl  because she had not "rung his bell".  He got quite in-depth about it. Apparently, she wasn't appealing enough to suit. I inwardly cringed for this poor woman being so crassly discussed, and sincerely hoped she was not present at the dinner to experience the personal humiliation such a conversation surely would have caused. The conversation was so loud that everyone within earshot for 15 feet couldn't miss hearing it. My guest was so appalled at overhearing this conversation, she refused to ever set foot in my church again. She insisted that if such behavior was tolerated and unaddressed by leadership at a singles dinner, she did not wish to participate in such a church. Fortunately she found another church to attend to her spiritual needs. Unfortunately, she had a very good point.

I hadn't realized the man in question married someone several months later. I was merely relieved to see his boorish behavior disappear from the Christian singles scene at my church. People really need to be more cognizant of the conversations they have in such a setting. They should always remember that they may be the only Jesus some people ever see, and thus they should exercise at least a modicum of conversational restraint and not behave like total Cretins.

Honestly, I wasn't surprised to see him BACK on the scene. From all indications of his outward behavior, he was looking for the wrong thing in a relationship. And, from what I'd observed, he was quite a jerk to boot.  The top of his criteria list for a desirable dating partner was geared toward appearance rather than character. I observe this far too often. 

I see women dating unsuitable men in Christian singles because the men are much younger, or quite handsome, when the men have nothing to recommend them, character-wise.  It usually ends badly. There is an old saying that you cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.  It's very true.  One man attending GSA is outgoing, tall, and handsome enough by some women's standards (not mine....because his flawed character off-puts me so totally I can see nothing desirable about him).  He has THREE failed marriages under his belt due to adulterous affairs he's had while serving in MINISTRY, and people know this. YET, some women in GSA continue to welcome his attentions!! WHAT???? This baffles me! I often see men choose women to date based on their looks alone, with character and personality seldom considered. Then, they wonder why the relationship doesn't last and they whine when their heart gets broken.

I simply do not understand why appearance is at the top of the list and character is at the bottom, when it comes to the majority of Christian dating.  Christ-followers should know better!!!! Is a man balding, or does he have a bit of a paunch? Is a woman a bit overweight, with a few more bags and sags and wrinkles than she ought to have, thus not qualifying to enter the Barbie contest?  Is that a godly, valid reason to DISQUALIFY a person from your dating pool???? Apparently so, at least in the circles I move in!

That bald man with the paunch may be the kindest, gentlest, sweetest man in the group, who'd treat his girl like a queen and lavish her with affection and attention, whereas that swarthy Lothario over there, who is handsome and 10 years younger than you will probably trash your heart because he is a known player. If you pass that bald man up, and date Lothario because you are so flattered he asked you, and you want something pretty on your arm to make your other girlfriends green with envy, you deserve the heartbreak you'll surely get for your shallow standards.

That woman over there who is 40 pounds overweight could have the most loyal, kind, trustworthy heart of any woman in the group. She could be the perfect Proverbs 31 woman, the one who'd hold a man's heart firmly in her hands, never let it go, and help him be all he can be in life. She may be just short of an angel. However, SHE usually gets overlooked and passed over for cute Miss Barbie over there, who is 15 years younger, catty, hateful, spiteful, competitive, snarky, and looking for a nice meal ticket. She'll get it, too, and that man providing it will be miserable and forevermore feeling like he somehow missed out on something special. He'll probably BLAME GOD for not sending him the PERFECT woman.... when God DID send the perfect woman, and he passed her by because she fell just short of his physical expectations.  His misery will serve him right for acting like such an idiot!  That free will will bite you in the rear every time, if you don't train yourself to listen to and follow the still, small voice of God's guidance and His gentle opportunities.

Don't get me wrong, people. I am not saying one should date only the fat or the bald.  What I AM saying is, look at EVERYBODY. Examine character before appearance. Don't dismiss someone out of hand because you don't see them as a Nicole Kidman or a Tom Cruise!! That is such an immature attitude to have, and you'll pay dearly for it, in the long run. TALK to the bald man -- find out what he's all about before dismissing him out of hand.  TALK to the woman who's a little too pudgy and get to know her, before writing her off your list of potentials. When you limit yourself, and go for the potential dates everyone else is going after, you severely limit your choices AND your chances, and are apt to pass up the most valuable gem in the box! Wipe away some of that dust, dig a little, and you're apt to find a gem of great price buried under all that cheap, rhinestone "made in China" JUNK.  The gilt and rhinestone may sparkle more, but the diamond is more desirable any day, because that gilt wears off with use and you end up with broken, tacky trash.

Choosing a dating relationship based on appearance rather than character is what the secular world does. It's also why there is such a high divorce rate.  Such immaturity and ignorance has no place in the Christian life-walk. You ought to know better. Choosing a mate is very serious business. You are talking about, hopefully, the rest of your life here. Eventually, everyone will loose hair, and bag and sag. Even Tom Cruise will loose most of his charm, once he turns 80. Those of us hitting middle age have already begun the process.  What are you people THINKING, for Pete's sake???  Character and the ability to stick with a relationship for the long haul is what really counts here, not the thickness of one's pompadour, nor a few extra pounds resting in the wrong place.  Christian singles need to wake up and smell the coffee on this matter!!!!  That junior-high type behavior ought to be long since passed by now! 

If you are guilty of choosing dates based on the wrong criteria (which you probably are, because about 95% of you men DO, and about 40% of you women DO) you need to GROW UP, lest you be like the pathetic MR. RING-A-DING man hanging out on the fringes of GSA again --- cycling back through divorce court, and crawling back to the singles group in humiliation, trolling the already over-fished waters for a new relationship. (Honestly, I am having a REAL HARD TIME dredging up any pity for that man!!!--Christian, or no!!)  I wouldn't give him the time of day, because I observed him being a horrible jerk.  EWWWW!  If some of you people weren't behaving like clueless idiots in the first place, you could be at home watching TV in bed, cuddling with your sweet soul mate and enjoying the comforts of your middle age.  I certainly know where I'd rather be!! (I do not enjoy attending singles groups ....... behaviors exhibited there by so-called Christian people appall me for the most part...)

So, I, for one, will be talking to that bald man sitting in the corner, or to that quiet man dressed like a nerd and wearing his pants a little too short, the guys that all the other women are passing by because they don't find their appearance quite "up to snuff".

Who are YOU busy choosing????  A year or two from now, will you be snuggled up with your forever sweetie, or will you be trolling the stale, over-fished waters of the tiresome singles group for a new person to date because your last relationship ended up a train wreck?? Could it be that your "picker" needs a godly overhaul??  Just sayin'.......