Why you never date the newly divorced!

Even though it may sound like I’m being cold-hearted, I’m really not.  This is a matter of wisdom, discernment, and self-preservation.  Since I am a woman, I can really only speak to what happens when women date the newly divorced.  It works a little differently (but often just as badly) when men date the newly divorced, so I will let the male bloggers out there speak to that one.  And, whether or not a person is a professing Christian seems to have very little bearing on the outcome of this scenario.

This is what you call a text-book scenario. It’s so common that it nearly always happens, that’s the rule. When it doesn’t happen, that’s the exception.  I, personally, don’t jaywalk.  You can jaywalk and cross the street without being maimed, but you are far more likely to be maimed when you jaywalk than when you cross with the green light.  For a woman to date a newly divorced man is like her jaywalking across a 6-lane freeway in high heels right before rush hour, when traffic is heavy, and traveling really fast. 

When a man is divorced, his ego is generally horribly crushed, especially when the wife was the one who did the walking.  That’s one strike.  Strike two is that, emotionally, men can’t handle being alone nearly as successfully as women can.  They are more dependent upon companionship than women are.  Statistics say that most divorced men are remarried within two years, whereas many divorced women never remarry, and if they do, the statistic for them is remarriage in six to fourteen years.  Strike three is that the typical divorced man usually doesn’t take the time to go through counseling or a divorce recovery group – he usually opts to end his pain by hooking up with another woman as soon as possible to bandage his bruised ego, and opts to immediately kill his loneliness with another relationship.  Notice, I say TYPICAL.  There are exceptions.

98% of the time, this scenario turns out very badly for the unfortunate woman chosen to be the other half of this man’s first new relationship after his divorce.  When this unwise woman lets it slip to this bruised man that she is developing feelings, it is first a huge boost to his ego.  It’s confirmation to him that his “mojo” isn’t broken, that he still has the ability to attract and capture a woman’s heart (or her scalp, whichever the case may be) in spite of his marriage going down in flames.  This is generally such a huge boost to his ego, that his second determination flips the light bulb switch of his mind with a  “WOW!  I had no idea that it would be this easy to get another woman to fall for me!  I’ll bet that since I got this one to fall so quickly, the next one will be even easier!  Besides, I think I can do better than this woman, she falls a tiny bit short of my ideal!  I did so well this time, I think I can easily find someone younger, and more attractive!”

At this point, the typical divorced man usually “dumps” his first new relationship within hours of the light bulb coming on, and then goes on a frenzied “woman chasing binge”, where he repeats the attract/reel-in/dump scenario at least 4 or 5 times, until he finally gets tired of the ego-boosting game he’s been playing in his head with himself.  Once he is confident that his mojo is fully operational and his options are limitless, at that point, the average divorced male usually decides to settle on someone attractive and remarry.  Notice I say attractive, because physical attraction is usually the most important criteria; often, everything else seems secondary.  Men are much more visual than women, that’s just how they are wired.  Unless, of course, he’s let his success with the ladies go to his head, and turn him into a real ego-maniac, at which juncture, he is apt to play the attract/reel-in/dump scenario until he has to retire with his walker and bed pan.  At that point, his kids usually check him into a nursing home, where there are 25 women to every man, and the blue haired old ladies vigorously compete with one another for his attentions at the Bingo table.  He remains a Lothario until the bitter end.

This may sound a little cynical to the uninitiated, but don’t forget, I’ve been in a position to watch adult singles play their games in church singles group for about 15 years now. I have observed this exact scenario played out more times than I can possibly count.  I even coined a phrase for that first woman who allows herself to get sucked into a relationship with the newly divorced man.  I call her the “Disposable Girlfriend”.  

Ladies, count me wrong at your own peril.  My personal rule is that I won’t ever  be the first woman to get involved with a newly divorced man.  I don’t even want to casually date one.  I set that rule up for myself when I was single back in my 30’s, after I learned about the “Disposable Girlfriend” perils through personal experience, and saw several friends get bitten by it as well.  When I became single again, I quickly observed that it remained the most valid rule in the book. Break that rule…….break your own heart. (I am adding this personal note in January of 2013.  I recently BROKE my own rule, and guess what -- my words proved true. My  heart got broken for breaking this rule!)

I do want to clarify that this man I am describing is the TYPICAL divorced man. There are absolutely exceptions to this rule.  Some very wise, caring, spiritual men, who really love God, who truly care about the welfare of others, realize how broken they are after a nasty break-up, and they realize how dangerous it is to them and to others to begin dating before their hearts are ready.  They are responsible and self aware, and they do not want to hurt anyone, or cause any further train wrecks.  They want the hurt to end with them.  They want their next relationship to be the RIGHT one, and they are not interested in collecting scalps.  They are the ones who take the time to reflect, to heal, and to become responsible daters before stepping back into the dating scene.  THEY are the ones whom you WON'T find dating within weeks, or months of their divorce......or.....gasp....horrors....before their divorce is even final!!!!  A  good rule of thumb to start with in determining whether you should date a man or not is to find out how long he's been divorced.  That should tell you if he's taken the time to do the work.  If he has not taken a reasonable amount of time.....run......and run VERY FAST!

Nothing scares me as badly as a newly divorced man who hasn’t taken the time to let GOD work on healing his wounds before he gets out there and starts dating again.  Women can be equally dangerous, but in a different way.  Again, I will let the male bloggers out there respond to that one.  There’s an old saying “Hurt people hurt people”.  The best chance any single person has of experiencing a successful relationship with the opposite sex is getting themselves emotionally healthy before they date, and making sure that the person they choose to date has taken the time to get themselves emotionally healthy as well.  There is a bit of advice that the counselors used to dole out several years ago. I am not sure if it still applies, but it makes a lot of sense to me.  They used to say that after a breakup, it takes 2 months for every year of togetherness (up to 25) for a person to recover from a prior relationship. 

Of course, a person’s recovery time depends on how willing they are to allow God to heal them, how honest they are with God about their wounds, and how willing they are to do their part to fix what is broken within themselves.  There is no doubt that God can expedite the healing process for anyone, and there are exceptions to every rule.  Some people never allow themselves to be healed, they carry their baggage and bitterness to the grave with them.  But, before you tell yourself you have found the exception, you owe it to yourself to honestly assess whether you really see healing in that person, or whether you are experiencing the delusion of wishful thinking.  We can talk ourselves into a lot of crazy beliefs when we really want something – like a permanent relationship with a person of the opposite sex whose chemistry nearly knocks us on our heels every time we walk past.  The power of self-delusion is limitless when it comes to that.

The best rule of thumb going into any relationship is to ask God what He thinks about it……is it in His plan for you……and to abide by HIS answer, whatever it may be! 

What is our part when people do us dirty?

As I said in my previous blog, I’ve had a long term issue of friends taking advantage of me, and treating me badly.  I tried my best to be a good friend, and to practice the Golden Rule.  I tried to be the friend that I felt Christ would have me to be; patient, long suffering, giving, helpful, kind, sympathetic, and supportive.  It was quite hurtful and discouraging to pour so much into a friend’s life, more than once, and then have them turn around and betray me, or start hating on me for a superfluous reason.  I know there are many of you out there in the same boat.  I am not the only one this is happening to.  You are mystified, wondering what you’ve done to deserve being treated so nastily, especially when you tried to do everything right.

I think that the biggest trap we fall into as Christians is in hearing Biblical teachings that have been taken out of context or presented in an incomplete fashion.  For instance, a perfect example is male despots using Ephesians 5:22 as license to dictate every move and heap abuse upon their wives “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as unto the Lord”.

They conveniently leave off the part of the verse that says “as unto the Lord”, and they also conveniently leave off the rest of the topic matter, including verse 25, which says “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”.  

These guys aren’t giving up anything when they rule their homes with a dictatorial fist of iron. They are using one portion of one verse in the Bible to give themselves a spiritual right to terrorize the woman living in their home.  Jesus cringes every time He sees this take place. Guess who will end up paying dearly for this sin!  I’ll give you a clue, it’s not the wife.  This subject, if delved into, would require pages and pages of commentary, so I will stop it here .

We hear a lot of so-called Christian teaching that insinuates that we are to tolerate anything and everything.  We are taught that Jesus was MEEK, which many teachers translate as WEAK. We are taught to turn our other cheek to allow anyone who chooses to do so to abuse us TWICE.  We are also taught that forgiveness means mending fences and reconciling your relationship with a person.   This is completely erroneous!  God loves us, therefore He expects us to love ourselves.  We are to be patient and understanding, yes, but we are not to tolerate repeated abuse.  Tolerating repeated abuse is not loving ourselves as God loves us.  Tolerating repeated abuse is actually disrespecting ourselves, which is not within God’s will at all!!

Let me get back to what God showed me regarding this friend who chose to cut dead my relationship with her when I finally called her out, in a very firm fashion, on some unexcuseable behavior she’d displayed toward me.  I tolerated a lot of craziness from her over the course of 3 or so years, but she'd finally crossed the line. 

Let's set the scenario.  She was extremely jealous and competitive where I was concerned, and would often try to humiliate or put me down in public, just to draw attention to herself, or to convince the people we mutually knew to believe she was a more desirable person than I was.  She continually corrected my grammar, criticized my clothes, and made hateful remarks about  my hair. Being a non-competitive, non-jealous person, I tolerated this behavior from her.  Not only did I tolerate it, I made it easy for her by not responding in kind.  Lest I sound "uber-spiritual" here, I will admit right now that I often became HIGHLY irritated by her behavior.  HIGHLY.  Sometimes I would steam for days over the hateful things she'd do.

I am a more laid back, low-key, quiet sort of person, especially in a public setting.  Therefore, it was easy for her to steal the show because she was always loud, proud, and boisterous.  She had the tact and diplomacy of a Mac truck navigating a miniature golf course at high speed.   I excused her public outbursts and put-downs as being due to her own pain and insecurity, and decided that the Christian thing for me to do was to overlook it, to love her and continue being her friend in spite of her orneriness. Therefore, I kept quiet about her shenanigans, for the most part.  Only a very few times, she seemed to realize how ugly she was being, and would provide a half hearted apology.

I loaned her money, and I helped her with multiple household issues.  I supported her through her divorce, and also went to her divorce arbitration with her, where she lost control so severely that her arbitrator asked me to represent her for a major part of the meeting instead.  I prayed over her and with her more times than I could count.  I went over to help clean her house before she moved in, and spent many days cleaning up the most unspeakable grunge, including carpets soaked in dog waste, when my own home sorely needed attention.  I should have gotten a clue as I was sweating out on her patio in Texas August, scrubbing a refrigerator that was infested top to bottom with black mold, when she strolled out onto the patio, dressed to the nines and floating on a cloud of powder and perfume, telling me she was feeling a little stressed, and going out to a “support meeting” and dinner for the evening. 

Are you getting the picture here?  She was Christian, and I was Christian, and I thought I was doing the GODLY thing by helping her out, being her friend, and tolerating all of her nonsense. Echoing in my head continually was the misapplied "turn the other cheek" rule.   Right about now, you are probably thinking that I needed to have my head examined for not walking away from her craziness after the first incident. You probably wonder why I tolerated that insanity for three years.  Honestly, I was too close to it, and did not grasp what I was doing wrong!! I thought that I could "love her into loving me", if that makes sense.  I am also a person who will tolerate lot, but even I have my limits.  

I got angry one time and one time only, after years of her abusing our relationship, and after years of people believing negative things about me that were untrue, due to her jealous innuendos regarding my character.  When she finally crossed my line, which really took some doing, as you might imagine,  I called her on her behavior, and told her that it was inexcusable, selfish, and irresponsible.  I know she must have been shocked, as I had never before said such things to her regarding her ugly behaviors.  Her response to me was that she no longer wanted to associate with me or speak to me, and that she’d NEVER ask me for anything again!  (Can anybody say “Thank you Jesus” to that??)

I was very angry with her.  I don’t mean to say by sharing all of this that she never blessed me in any way, because she did.  We had some really good times, when she was on good behavior.  We helped one another through some really difficult days.  I was there for her through her messy divorce, and she was one of the VERY FEW FRIENDS (who could have been counted on my thumbs) who was actually there for me after my husband died.  She’s like the little girl in the nursery rhyme with the curl…..”When she was good, she was very good, when she was bad….she was HORRIBLE!”

I actually cared a lot about her, and believe it or not, I still do.  I understood why she did some of the things she did, because I knew some of the hurts that were hidden in her heart.  That is the type of thing that  happens when you carry unhealed hurts in your own heart.  You hurt others.   I believe she genuinely cared about me as well, she just was not able to overcome her own selfishness and angst when it came to our relationship.  I miss her a lot, and I wish we could still be friends, but we can’t.  

My friend is simply a scorpion.  I know you all have heard the story of the scorpion who asked if he could ride on the frog’s back across the stream.  The frog told him no, that he was a scorpion, and would sting him, and they’d both drown.  The scorpion fervently promised that he would do no such thing, that it would be crazy to do that and drown them both.  Thus, the frog was convinced, and gave the scorpion a ride across the stream.  In the middle of the stream, the frog felt the paralyzing stinger pierce his back, and as they both sank, the poor frog gasped “You promised not to sting me, now we both will die!”  

The scorpion replied “You should have known I’d sting you, I am a scorpion, that is WHAT I DO!”

Anyway, the Lord showed me this very clearly on the Saturday I took the time to work through this issue.  I was very upset, so I was up at 5 am.  I started praying, journaling, and reading my Bible.  I was asking God to help me understand, and to help me forgive her, because I did not want to harbor unforgiveness, which I knew would turn to bitterness, which I knew would affect my walk with the Lord.  After journaling for a few hours, I briefly dozed off and had a vivid dream.

I dreamed I was walking down dirt road, on a beautiful, silvery, moon lit night.  Beside the road was a very tall, rock wall, about 20 feet.  It was covered with ivy.  I could smell flowers and a nice breeze was blowing.  It was the perfect summer night from right out of the pages of a romantic novel. 

I heard the sound of thundering  hoof beats in the distance.  I stepped off the road, just as a huge, black battle horse in full regalia thundered past me.  On its back was a ferocious, helmeted rider, in full metal body armor, carrying a huge spiked ball on a chain, along with many other weapons.  I saw a break in the wall up ahead.  I watched as this fearsome destroyer thundered through the break in the wall.  I followed them through the break, noticing that there was actually a well-worn pathway underfoot, where the fallen stones of the wall had been trodden deep into the ground by the horse's heavy hooves.  Apparently, the warrior traveled this route regularly.

As I stepped through the break, I saw down below a picturesque village, full of beautiful little cottages.  The moonlight gilded the roof tops with silver, and mullioned windows reflected the starlight.  I watched the warrior thunder down into the village, and suddenly, I was transported down there as well.  The warrior fiercely swept through the dark, quiet streets, violently swinging his mace in all directions.  (Picture Mel Gibson in the movie "Braveheart", riding into his enemy's bedroom on his battle horse, and crushing his enemy's head with his swinging mace as the man lay on his bed, and you get the picture!)  The spiked iron ball smashed through beautiful, mullioned windows, splintered wooden doors, and crushed stone flower pots resting on patio walls.  The warrior wrought havoc and destruction throughout the village.  Terrified people looked out their windows, but did not venture outside.  Dogs ran out from yards and began to bark.  They were cruelly kicked aside by the pounding hooves of the battle horse.  After spending several minutes accomplishing his tirade of destruction, the warrior rode his battle horse out of town and through the wall, the same way he’d come.

As the warrior rode back through the break in the wall, he pulled the metal battle helmet off his head to enjoy the balmy summer night.  When the helmet came off, I saw the warrior’s face.  It was the face of my friend.  

After a little while, day broke, and people started coming out of their houses to clean up the mess.  They swept up piles of broken glass, dirt, and crushed flowers, and bandaged their injured, whimpering dogs.  As the people cleaned up the mess, neighbors were angrily talking to one another over their honeysuckle hedges.  “Why doesn’t the mayor do something about this?  It happens nearly every time the moon is full, and he knows it.  Our mayor is completely useless, he is not fit to be mayor of this town!  He offers us no safety or protection whatsoever!  All he needs to do to keep this from happening to us is fix that broken wall, and he just won’t do it!”

As I stood there, listening and watching, I heard this voice, which I knew was God, say to me ”Twyla, you are the mayor!  This is your city.  YOU need to secure your broken walls!”

Then I woke up.  I immediately knew that God had given me the dream, and I knew exactly what it meant.  It was very clear to me that my friend was abusing me because I was allowing her to wreak destruction in my life, and I needed to repair my walls to stop her.  I didn’t need to try to make peace with the fierce, angry warrior.  I needed to repair the breech in my wall so the warrior would be unable to return to the inner city that was me, unable do further damage.  The warrior was a destroyer, and like the scorpion, destroying was its purpose, destroying was simply what it did.  Period.  I love my destroyer friend, but I’ve said my final goodbye.  Our relationship will never be what it was.  I will be polite when I see her, but it will never go beyond that.  I wish her well, and I hope she will allow the Lord to heal her from her hangups, but there is nothing I am capable of helping her with.  Her brokenness goes far beyond anything I can affect.  She is undergoing some very tough circumstances right now, but I know it is not my place to intervene.  God has got her situation.  She belongs to him.

I know that some Christians out there might disagree with me, saying I should reconcile with her.  However, that is not what God told me.  I knew this friend very well.  And, I know as well as I know my own name that if I allow her into my life again, she won’t be able to prevent herself riding her battle horse down those old, established pathways of jealousy and competition, and  swinging her mace of rampant destruction when it comes my feelings and my sensibilities.  I have a Christian responsibility to HER as a friend…..and that is to not allow her to increase her sin debt by causing further damage to my soul.  Even though He forgives us of our sins, God usually allows negative circumstances to befall us when we deliberately sin, when we deliberately disobey, and when we deliberately cause hurt and damage to others.   

God loves her, and God loves me.  From now on, though, He will love us from different sides of the pond.  I have a responsibility to follow through on what God taught me.  When God led me to that book that very evening at the bookstore “Safe People: How to find relationships that are good for you and avoid those that aren’t” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, and I read through it the next day, I recognized my part.  I saw very clearly my personal tendency to ignore the warning signs of “unsafe people”, and my tendency to tolerate their bad behaviors, thus allowing them into my life to crush and wound my soul.  This was my responsibility.  This was something I needed to change about myself.  Yes, others sinned against me, but I sinned against them and against myself by allowing it. 


Unsafe people often ARE Christian people.  Just because someone loves the Lord, it does not mean that they are not treacherous, horribly messed up, and embroiled in sin!!!  Just because they are Christian, it does not mean they will be a good friend to you.  You must be responsible, and learn to protect yourself from such people!!  I felt somewhat ashamed for not having recognized something so clear, but we start from the point where God gives us new beginnings.  We can’t change the past……but with God’s help, we CAN change the future!

Bless all of you………and if any of you are continually being hurt, again, I stress to you, buy that book.  It’s the best $14 you will spend this year!!!  I could reiterate their points on how to avoid unsafe people, but why do that, it’s all there in the book!!  If any of you read it, and decide to make some changes, I’d sure love to hear your stories!!

Do People Seem to Do You Dirty?

Are you a person who seems to always have trouble with people lying to you, taking advantage of you, and doing you dirty?  I am not talking about just dating relationships here, I am talking about family, friends, co-workers, co-church-members, etc.  That’s been a huge struggle in my life, and I know that some of you out there have the same issue.  We wonder why we keep encountering people who dump on us, no matter how we try to nurture them, accept them, love them, help them, etc.  We feel like we are doing everything right, but that we must just have been born jerk magnets.

I went through a time back in my single mom days when I felt like jerks were the only men who were ever attracted to me.  I felt like I could be in a room of 250 very nice people, but if there was even ONE man in the crowd who was selfish, irresponsible, a jerk, and an alcoholic, he’d find me and attach himself to my elbow within 10 minutes of my stepping into the room.  

I refused to even date for almost 3 years after my divorce from my first husband because I knew I was really messed up in the head from spending 9 years in the middle of his insanity and abuse.  I knew I needed to pull my life together and do some work on myself.  I went to school and I got a great job working for a contract company who did training out at Lockheed Martin.  I started at the bottom of the ladder and worked my way up into a really good position.  I was involved in a good church and went through some helpful workshops there. 

One that really helped me along the path was a group book study called “Search for Significance”.  Some of you may be familiar with it.  My self-esteem was almost completely destroyed during my abusive marriage, I’d been brainwashed into thinking I was nothing and worth nothing.  That is how abusers and controllers gain control over you, they erode your self-esteem and self-worth until you end up thinking you don’t deserve any better, and you’ll tolerate anything. 

There came a point when I thought I was “well”, and that I could begin dating.  I tried dating for about 4 years, but none of those relationships ever worked out well for me.  I was still active in church, still working on my spiritual growth, yet still attracting only jerks.  Irresponsible, or controlling, or manipulative, or deceptive, or dishonest, and yes, even the alcoholics were still attracted to me, even though I’d done all that spiritual work on myself.  After about the 5th train-wreck,  I decided I was done with trying to find a decent relationship, it was a complete waste of time. I decided that all men were jerks, none of them could be trusted, and I’d be better off spending my life alone.  So, for two whole years I completely stopped dating. 

Then I met my second husband, who died from cancer 5 years ago. He was definitely God-sent, because I learned from him that all men actually were not jerks.  Men were human, same as women, good and evil, same as women.  Men could love, the same as women could.  

He wasn’t perfect, but he was a good, decent Christian man who treated me like I was queen of the universe.  He totally doted on me, telling me at least 10 times a day how much he loved me.  I almost always had fresh flowers on my table. We were best friends, and we did everything together.  He was a recovered alcoholic who had done a lot of work on himself.  We regularly visited a Christian counselor for the first 14 months of our marriage, just to work through any kinks, and to deal with the blended family issues. We had a great life together, and I learned and grew a lot.  (So did he.)  After he died, for 2 years, I was determined I’d never love anyone else again, and that no one would ever love me as much as he had.  Somewhere during year 3, my own company got a little old.  I decided that I would like to find someone special to spend the rest of my life with.  I wasn't desperate, but I was open.

When I started venturing out again, I found that I was much “safer” because of all I’d learned through my own study and counseling, and all that God had divinely showed me and healed me from.  It was fairly easy for me to spot the men who were jerks, players, and liars, and thus avoid them, or at least walk away shortly after encountering them.  With God’s help, I was certainly able to prevent their making any harmful inroads into my life. Believe me, there are a lot more loosers out there than what you think!!!  So, there I was, with God keeping me from making a train-wreck of my life with the wrong man!  Hallelujah!!

However, I found that I had another problem.  That other problem was women.  My friend pool was severely diminished by my husband’s death.  All my married friends walked away from me, no exceptions.  I was very hurt by that at the time, but I have since come to understand and accept it.  Marrieds and singles simply do not mix.  It is what it is.  I learned within my widows support group that this friend abandonment scenario is very common with widows.  The very same thing happened to every other widow I knew in that support group.  Married friends no longer wished to be a part of their lives, they were cut off and out.  I forgave, moved on and made a few new friends to replace them.  Few means a small number. 

I became close friends with two single women, one who was in the middle of a divorce, and one widowed.  Within a couple of years, both of these women ended up treating me very badly, using me, taking advantage of me, abusing my friendship, and betraying me.  I did everything I could to be a loyal, accepting, loving friend to both of these women.  I poured a lot of myself into their lives.  I was always there for them when they were crying and lonely, I gave and did for them.  I kept their confidences, no matter how shocking some of them turned out to be.  So you can only imagine how very surprised and hurt I was when both of these women ended up knifing me in the back.  I am not talking small needle puncture wounds here, I am talking gaping gashes that left my entrails hanging out. 

The last betrayal left me very, very hurt.  It was really messing up my serenity.  Yes, that is a “buzz word”, I know.  I was involved in a Christian support group called “Celebrate Recovery” for over a year to try to deal with my grief issues when my husband passed away. We quoted the Serenity Prayer at every meeting.  My “serenity” was very disturbed by this woman's behavior.   I felt  anger nesting in my bosom, and I knew from experience that it would grow. Unforgiveness leading to bitterness would ensue if I did not address it immediately.  I had to work far too hard to gain my serenity in the first place to allow someone to steal it.  What is the old saying, "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison, hoping the other person will die"?

So, I took a Saturday morning to pray about the incident, and God showed me some amazing things.  I prayed, studied my Bible, and journaled for several hours to try to work through it. The result of all that was God showing me what part I played in the betrayal.  I’d been convinced the betrayals were their problem because they were just jealous, hateful, deceptive women.  Surprise surprise!!  They were jealous, hateful and deceptive, but I had a part in the way they treated me, too.  It’s amazing what God will show us when we ask Him!! 

When I went to church that night, I decided to walk through the church bookstore.  I don’t go in there often, because I am a Christian self improvement book addict.  I have shelves and shelves of them, and probably don’t need more.  I immediately spotted a little blue book called “Safe People: How to find relationships that are good for you and avoid those that aren’t” by Cloud and Townsend.  I immediately knew I was supposed to buy that book.  I did, and I read it through the next day. It became even clearer to me while reading that book what MY PART was in drawing people into my life who were “doing me dirty”.  

During my prayer and journaling that Saturday, before I bought the book, God gave me a most amazing epiphany.  An epiphany is what I call it when God puts a movie clip in my mind about what’s going on regarding a given situation.  I will share my epiphany with you in my next blog. I've already shared it with several friends, so my virtual friends get to hear about it next.  Meanwhile, may God richly bless you and provide direction.  And, if you have problems with people "doing you dirty", I cannot recommend strongly enough that you visit your Christian Bookstore and buy that book!  It will give you a new perspective.

Be blessed, my friends.  Until next time. 

Should We Follow “Dating Tips”?

When I started this blog the other day, I wondered how many other blogs were out there on Christian dating.  I did a quick Google search, and saw that they were quite a lot.  I didn’t have time to go checking bunches of them, so I clicked on one.  It was written by a guy.  The first entry was pretty good. It talked about what mindset a dating Christian should pursue.  I completely agreed with him when he said that Christians shouldn’t date anyone whom they knew ahead of time could not be a forever match for them.  There is so much potential for train wreck there, why would you even do it?  Someone will end up getting hurt and disappointed. 

That is not saying that a person should start planning their wedding theme when they go out to dinner with a person, it is simply saying that one should not cross a busy street when the light is red.  They should wait until it’s green.  Date someone that you have something in common with. 

If you think tobacco reeks, don’t date a smoker.  If you are a neat-freak, O.C.D. person, you probably want to consider the matter very carefully before you date a person with A.D.D. to whom tidiness is an afterthought. (Ehhh…yeeessss, that would be me….the nightmare of any man with O.C.D.)  The story behind that is, I once tried dating a fellow with O.C.D., but his maturity level left a little to be desired.  He ended up furious with me, because he believed that the things I forgot to do, or the times my attention wandered uncontrollably, or the things I forgot to clean up were deliberately plotted out by me just to aggravate him.  That relationship went down like a jet-liner hitting cement head on…..in a burst of flames.  

That is not to say dating your opposite won't work, but it will take work to make it work.  Yes, opposites strongly attract, and the chemistry is usually explosive.  When BOTH persons are emotionally mature, relationships of opposites can often work out very well, with each person playing up the others’ strengths and playing down their weakness.  However, you have to ask yourself if you are MATURE enough to handle a relationship with your opposite, or will you be upset with them and begin wishing they would change when they don’t do things the way you would?  If you don't have the maturity to accept those quirks which will be foreign to you, don’t even date them, chemistry be hanged.

I went on a date with a Christian man, very nice, very personable, but who was an incessant yakker.  I like to talk, but I believe in giving another person the chance to speak too.  By the end of the evening, my brain was about to explode, I was exhausted, I wanted to wring his neck, and I knew that I would never be able to tolerate a second date.  Yes; I should have gone out with him to explore the possibility, because he was a devout Christian of good character, with a similar background and high values.  But a date with him brought out the fact that we’d never suit.  However, when the guy battling a drinking problem whose divorce wasn’t even final from his third marriage asked me for a date, I gave him an unequivocal NO.

When I read this fellow’s second blog (called DATING TIPS, by the way), my eyebrows shot up to my hairline.  His advice to a man was to NOT bring flowers or gifts on a second date, if you wanted a third and more dates thereafter, because most women wouldn’t really appreciate a gift. Deep down, a gift or flowers made the man appear too eager, and would engender the woman's inner contempt.  He also said that if women wanted gifts from men, they were probably mercenary, and you, as a guy, wouldn’t want a mercenary woman anyway.

SAY WHAT???  I had to disagree (and you know I SAID SO). If a man shows up at my door on a second date with a 4 foot teddy bear, or a $85 bouquet of star lilies and roses, yes, I will probably freak, and I might think he has potential to be a weird stalker.  However, if he shows up with a $5 bouquet of sunflowers and fern wrapped in cellophane from Tom Thumb, I will be impressed, and I will think “How sweet and thoughtful!”  And no, I am NOT mercenary.

Another thing he said was that if you were really interested in dating the woman, you should wait for 5 to 9 days to call her after your date.  This would allow her interest in you to have time to build, like money in the bank builds interest, and she would wonder about you, wonder if you liked her, wonder if you planned to ask her out again, wonder if you’d found someone you liked better.  When you finally did call, if she’d liked you, she’d be ecstatic and thrilled to go out with you.  He also said that you shouldn’t ask her out for a weekend date until after several dates. You'd only date her on weeknights, in order to build up her anticipation for a weekend date night with you.

SAY WHAT???  Again, I had to disagree.  If, after our first date, a man waits 5 days to call me, I won't be very happy.  If he waits for 5 days to call me, I start thinking that he must not have been very impressed by me after all, so I won't be very excited to go out with him.  I'm a woman who wants to be wanted, and to unequivocally know I'm wanted. Most women I know feel the same way.  Who cares to waste time on a ho-hum date, certainly not me. Maybe the date wouldn't be ho-hum, but if he waited 5 days to call me, I'd believe it would be.  I’m also going to wonder if he asked someone else besides me first.  If there is one thing I hate, it’s being second best, or taken for granted.  If he waits 9 WHOLE DAYS to call me, I will probably decline his offer and hang up.  My thought process would tell me that he had called 4 or 5 other women, and they’d said NO. He finally got to me, his 7 th  or 8 th choice.  If I am that far down on his list, he’s a huge waste of my time!!  Also, I am busy during the week, I really don’t want to do much besides have a quick cup of coffee--decaf.  If he is not asking me out on the weekend, yet he still wants to date on weekdays, I will believe he is dating some other girl he likes better on the weekend, and keeping me hidden out for a Tuesday night so no one will see us together.  That is not happening, Mister!

Then, he went on to say that it always works better for the man if women think they have to “box other women out of the ring to get you, that is just how women are”.  I really wondered what sort of women he was hanging out with -- but giving it some thought, I probably know. Judging by the ridiculous behavior I often see, it was likely the typical Christian singles group crowd of women he was hanging around. He said that women want to have the man that every other woman wants, so if they think they are competing with other women to get you, you’ll seem much more desirable to them.

SAY WHAT???  Again, I had to STRONGLY disagree.  If a man wants to date me, and he appears to have several other women chasing him, and especially if he appears to be greatly enjoying it, this woman will spin on her heel and walk away as she sings out to his bevy of twittering admirers “Have at him, girls, y'all enjoy yourselves!!!!”  I find competition ridiculous, as do most mature, self-respecting women. God wired men to be the hunters, not women.  In my opinion, a man who won't hunt is an anomaly, and a woman who does hunt is a predator.  I know that will make me sound terribly old fashioned and fuddy-duddy, but so be it.  It is what it is.

I find women who voraciously HUNT and who frequently “knock other women out of the ring"  very ”unladylike".  I once had a friend who was a ravenous piranha when it came to men.   She flirted like mad with every man she met, married or single.  She was also extremely competitive and jealous  when it came to other women. She’d shoot a good friend down in flames with no qualms whatsoever to draw the attention of a man in their vicinity. She'd often walk up and hijack a girl friend's conversation with a man, literally giving her friend no choice but to walk away and surrender the entire conversation to her.  I was shot down in flames by her so many times, two years later, there is still smoke rising off my back from her shenanigans. I could write an entire book on just the abuse she heaped on my head alone. 

God forbid, I do not ever want to be such a woman. If my refusal to compete renders me dateless, so be it.  Let the female piranhas compete and squabble over the men!!

All of this is to say that everyone out there has their own opinion on what works and what doesn’t in the dating world.  After reading his last blog entry on DATING TIPS, I did not read any more of that man’s blog, I found it too nonsensical to spend further time on.  It sounded to me like premeditated GAME PLAYING -- games of cat and mouse.  I am not saying those sorts of games are evil or wrong. Some daters find them highly entertaining and stimulating.  I just don't  happen to be one of those people.  I simply don’t have the time and the energy for such baloney, and neither do most other self respecting, mature people.  That behavior is not something I, as a Christian, would engage in.

There is nothing wrong with reading books and blogs on dating tips.  If you are an ignoramus, you’ll probably learn some new tricks.  If you are an intelligent woman, you might decide to hide your brain under a bushel so as not to intimidate anyone for the first few dates. There is a statistic out there somewhere that says for every 10 points over 100 that a woman's IQ goes, her chances of dating DECREASE by 60 percent--per 10 points!!!  (I won't share with you what my IQ is, let that remain a mystery between us.)   If you are a man who likes giving gifts, you’ll probably keep that habit under wraps for awhile too, especially if you read the same blog I did.

In a NUTSHELL,  APPLY COMMON SENSE to dating.  All of these dating tips were written by people, from the perspective of their own personal experiences and their own preferences.  This includes mine.  Thus, the reader’s personality and preferences will likely be different than those espoused by the author.  Pick and choose what works for you personally from all these tips abounding in the library and on the internet.  Try not to get crazy and stupid.  People tend to get uncomfortable with crazy.  But above all, BE REAL, don't employ tricks and games.  Because, what’s the benefit of the exercise if you get 4 or 5 dates by pretending to be someone or something you are not?  Eventually the real you will emerge, and if you had to hide that real you to be accepted, that leaves you in a bit of a quandary, does it not???? Do you remain indefinitely in hiding, or let your real self emerge and possibly run the person off?

Also, apply the Golden Rule.  You will hear this theme repeated over and over in my blogs, because many people I encounter in the Christian dating scene don't do it. Apply the Golden Rule.  Do NOT treat someone like you would NOT want you or one of your children, or your sister, or your parent to be treated if they were dating.  You wouldn’t want someone playing a game on your little sister or your daughter?  Then, don’t you play a game on someone!  And remember, God sees all you do, and one day you will be required to give an account.  What would you do, if God said, on Judgment Day “HEY, um, you strutting around over there like you are something special, what are all those SCALPS I see hanging on that wall behind you?  What’s up with that?”

If you don’t get what I mean by scalp collecting, that will certainly be addressed in another blog, on another day.  Probably at length. Scalp collecting is something I find to be extremely contemptible.  It has no place in Christian dating, but church singles groups are generally full of people who do it.  This is especially true if the church singles group leader believes his singles group is an "airport terminal where people come and go", and he does not find it important to shepherd his flock.   If a Christian is scalp collecting, then I hesitate call them a true Christian.

Meanwhile ….. if you’ve gone on a date with somebody you liked recently, go ahead and call them up.  I don’t recommend you wait for 9 STINKIN’ DAYS !!  I talked with my girlfriends, and they agree with me.  So, there you go.  The vote has been cast.  Call them the next day.  Mature women have little patience with silent phones.  Silent phones make them feel like they are being played.  Unless they are desperate, feeling played is the quickest way to get them to completely loose interest.  Until next time….. be blessed my friends!

Divine Protection Part 2

There is so much to say about divine protection.  Anyone who has spent serious time walking the Christian walk has their stories.  However, there may be some Christians who haven’t had the experiences because their walks have been short, or limited.  We all hear things, but when something is related to us by someone whom we know is telling the truth, it seems to carry more significance. It becomes real, and applicable to our lives. I have a couple more examples from personal friends about divine protection that I want to share with you, because I think they are important.

Yolanda is one of my precious friends. She’s a truly beautiful, inspiring, spiritual Christian. After a few years of the "single again" life, she started feeling really lonely. I mentioned part of her story on my “Online Dating or Not” blog.  She wasn’t meeting anyone whom she considered suitable dating material in our singles group. 

Yolanda decided that she was sick of being alone, and that she needed to do something proactive to help the Lord find her a mate. She looked at it like an unemployed person doing a job search.  She joined a popular online dating service and began vetting profiles. She shortly met a man who was outwardly Christian, unashamed of sharing his faith, who prayed, attended church regularly, who had his own ministry, and who seemed to serve God.  The first red flag was that he had multiple failed marriages under his belt, but since he was serving the Lord, she felt he deserved a chance.  The second red flag was that his divorce from the prior wife was only a few months old.  Remember, in part one, my stating divorced persons needed to take the time to HEAL??  He hadn’t done that.  The romance moved pretty fast. He wined and dined her, and as he was doing so, he’d often pray across the walls of the booths with neighboring patrons.  He was very outspoken about his faith. He had a ministry where he spoke to students.  She was very excited about the romance.  After a short time, they became engaged.

They were a few months into their engagement when she realized he had some serious issues with depression and failing personal finances, and that he still seemed to carry some emotional attachment to his prior wife.  He felt perhaps the Lord had wanted him to attempt reconciliation, rather than move ahead into a new relationship. (How selfish and irresponsible is that …… starting up a new relationship with somebody just for your personal gratification, when you aren’t sure you are done with your old one, not caring what hurt you might bring to the new woman in your life with your gutless waffling…… Can anyone say “carnal Christian” from part one?) Then he asked her if she’d be willing to WAIT on him, while he went to a neighboring state to attempt a reconciliation. If the reconciliation didn’t pan out, that would mean it wasn’t God’s plan for the old relationship to work.  Then he and Yolanda could resume their marriage plans.  Needless to say, she was devastated, because she was deeply in love.  She prayed and asked God what to do.  Within a day or two, she had a dream. If you read the Bible, or any book about hearing God, you’ll understand that God often speaks to His children in dreams and visions. 

In this dream, she and her fiancé were sailing on a beautiful sailboat in the middle of a calm, sapphire ocean, gulls drifting overhead, balmy breeze blowing.  There was a hammock on deck. Her fiancé went and laid in the hammock, and gave her the wheel. She’d never sailed a boat before.  Shortly after he laid down, she noticed some clouds appear on the horizon.  She mentioned the ominous sky to him, but he pulled his hat further over his eyes and paid her no mind.  She continued piloting as the storm arrived and began slamming the boat.  No matter how she cried, no matter how wildly the boat rocked in the waves, her fiancé would not get up and help her.  She was violently buffeted in the storm, thought she’d drowned, but later woke up, wet and alone, face down in the sand, on a deserted island. 


The moment she woke up, she knew the dream was from God. She broke the engagement. He went to the other state, to try to reconcile with his ex wife, who turned him down flat.  He then contacted Yolanda, telling her that his head was all clear, he’d asked God about what to do, and God said to renew their relationship. He’d made a terrible mistake, he really, really loved her, would she take him back and let them marry immediately?  The dream from God gave Yolanda the strength to tell him NO, even though her heart was still hurting.  I asked her if she’d prayed for God’s protection from wrong relationships before their relationship began, and she said no, but that she certainly intended to do so in the future!  

God did rescue her when she prayed, by giving her a definitive answer, but I truly believe that if she’d prayed beforehand, she would have never become involved with him in the first place.  What if she hadn’t asked God for direction, had followed her heart, let him return, and married him?  She’d have ended up married to a spineless leech, laying around on her sofa in whiney fits of depression, just as irresponsible with her resources as he’d been with his own. She’d have lost her financial resources left to her by her late husband, and would have had to carry the full spiritual and emotional load of the marriage. She would have been miserable.  THANK YOU GOD for answered prayer!

I want to share another story about a Christian friend who straight out refused to listen, due to her own selfish desires. It bought her a world of trouble.  The Word of God says in no uncertain terms that we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. There are no caveats on the end of that verse saying “except for Melissa, except for Marlene, except for Cassandra, etc.", UNLESS the owner of that Bible pencils them in for herself. I know a lot of folks who seem to pencil in personal caveats at the end of Bible verses to suit their own ends. 

Evvie began dating a man she’d met at work.  He was of a different culture, ethnicity, country, religion, age, etc.  It wouldn’t have been possible to get more unequal if she’d tried.  Her first mistake was allowing him to talk her into their moving in together.  The Bible is also pretty clear on living together before marriage. For those uninformed, the Bible is against it.  It's called living in fornication, and it's wrong for everyone.  That instruction isn’t there to KILL OUR FUN, it’s there to PROTECT us. 

After a season, they began making marriage plans.  Friends advised her against it.  Several people told her that they felt he was hooking up with her to acquire citizenship.  She ignored that.  Christian friends (my voice was in there somewhere) gently reminded her that the Bible tells us not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers, and as he was embroiled in a pagan religion from birth, that certainly qualified as unbelieving. She ignored all that.  Her reasoning was that they were so terribly in love, he would never have such ulterior motives as to use her for citizenship purposes.  She also reasoned that if she continued witnessing to him, and convinced him to attend church with her regularly, that he would convert to Christianity in very short order.  He’d then become a missionary, carrying God’s Word to his home country, making tremendous strides for the cause of Christ and leading his entire family to the Lord.  She was determined to have him, and nothing would dissuade her.

They married, and things seemed OK for a couple of years, although the times he was willing to attend church with her could have been counted on one hand.  Her plans to “convert” him fell completely flat.  She wasn’t able to pray with him, or share her faith with him, because he had nothing but contempt for Christianity.  His schedule was very strange, he often worked late up into the night, with other activities going on that she wasn’t allowed to know about or be part of.  This meant that she spent many evenings alone. She was locked out of most of his life.  She wasn’t allowed to meet or associate with any of his friends at all. He insisted their relationship be kept secret in his workplace. He told her his ethnic friends and co-workers wouldn’t understand. In his culture, the parents chose the spouse, and inter-racial marriage was frowned upon.  He refused to tell his family overseas that they were married.  He somewhat participated in her life, but always seemed uncomfortable around her friends and family. 

About 3 years into it, things began to crash and burn.  They had horrible fights, and her daughter started getting angry over the situation.  She was miserable and on the brink of a nervous breakdown.  She was sharing her trauma and drama with all of her Christian friends, and begging them to all pray for her.  She was frustrated over not having a spiritual leader in her home, frustrated over having no one to pray with, share her faith with, or build dreams with.  She felt stuck and hopeless. Her misery continued for a couple more years.  She found out that he was having an affair.  She stewed over that for a few months, then she moved out and filed for divorce.  

He made a fabulous salary through his work, but their divorce settlement yielded her next to nothing. The judge did not favor her.  After a couple of years, the resources she'd been granted in the divorce played out.  She finally ended up losing everything, and moving into the home of a friend.  Before their divorce was even final, his family arranged a marriage for him with a woman of his own culture.  The ink wasn’t even dry on their divorce papers before he was remarried. Thanks to Evvie, he was able to remain in the U.S. to continue working and making his fabulous salary.  He lives in a very fine home, while she is dependent on help from friends and family for her sustenance and a place to live.

She was a Christian.  She loved God.  What happened? Shouldn’t God have protected her due to her Christian status?  

What happened was that she voluntarily stepped out from under the umbrella of God’s divine protection.  In effect, she threw His protection in His face, telling Him that she knew better than He did what was best for her life.  She rebelled against God’s laws and precepts, adding her own caveats to the Bible.  …..except for Evvie, ….. except for Evvie, ….. except for Evvie.  Adding personal exceptions to God’s Word for yourself never works out well for you.  She refused to listen to the wise and loving counsel of her Christian friends.  Her own free will got her into trouble.  What she thought she wanted ended up being not what she wanted at all.  I am confident that when she enters into her next relationship, she will pray and ask God’s direction about it first.  Her requirements for a new man will be very different. 

God ALWAYS knows what’s best for us.  God is always faithful.  There are times we don’t understand why He allows the things He does.  I still can’t tell you why my husband died a very painful death from cancer when he was only 55 years old, I still can’t tell you why my first husband molested our daughter and derailed her life.  I’ll probably never know why, in this lifetime.  I just have to accept.  We live in a fallen world, which is under Satan’s thumb.  God doesn’t cause the bad, Satan causes the bad.  However, if we are committed and willing, God can and often does turn what Satan meant for bad into something good.  And, lest we forget, there is always eternity to look forward to. Life on this earth will only be a grain of sand on an endless beach in comparison with eternity.

It is not God’s desire to frustrate the children of men.  God wants good for us.  His word even says in Genesis “It is not good for man to be alone, I will make a helpmate for him”.  God didn’t design us to be single. It even says in Proverbs that a man who finds a virtuous wife has found a good thing. Those of us who wish to find the perfect mate just need to wait on His plans to mature.  We just have to trust Him.  Trust His time.  Trust His plan.  Make ourselves ready to travel in the direction He wants us to go, prepare ourselves for the future He sets before us.

 I’ve been single (again) for 5 years now.  I won’t even pretend that I like it one bit.  I won’t pretend that I don’t grumble about it sometimes, too.  I am praying daily that I don’t fly into impatience and step out from under God’s protection and encounter some awful disaster, like my friend did.  It might be lonely underneath “the shadow of his wings”, but here I plan to stay, and wait on HIS PLAN, however long it takes!

I hope the road my friends have walked has given you food for thought, and impressed upon you the importance of waiting on God’s will and God’s time.  I hope you also realize the importance of working on yourself, to grow in the Lord, and be all you can be.  Until next time, may you safely remain under the shadow of His wings!!!

Divine Protection part 1

One cannot discuss Christian dating without addressing this topic.  This blog ends with two very important points on what is needed to find your perfect match.  The very word “Christian” means “follower of Christ”.  If one truly follows Christ, they know about His teachings, and they realize that part of true Christianity is the expectation of blessing and protection from our Divine  Creator.  Of course, most people realize we won’t be protected from everything, and all disasters will not be averted, because we live in a fallen world.  Everyone experiences tragedies, and we are all appointed to die.  However, when people are committed to Christ, He works and moves in their lives.

There are a lot of damaged, twisted, evil people in this world.  Christians have a very REAL enemy, called Satan, watching them 24 x 7 x 365, plotting and planning their downfall.  Of course, it is not Satan, personally, throwing stumbling blocks into their path. He’s busy generating world wars and global mayhem on a larger scale.  Satan has millions of helpers. 1/3 of the angels, all cast out of Heaven during Satan’s rebellion against God, belong to Satan, and are now referred to as demons.  Guardian angels from the Heavenly realms are assigned to Christians, but there are also destroyer demons assigned to us as well. We live in the middle of an unseen battle waged in the spirit world.

Mature Christian singles are either divorced, widowed, or never married.  Divorce brings a lot of baggage and pain to a person that must be worked through, with the help of our Healer, Jesus Christ.  That healing (which takes time) must take place before the single enters into another relationship, or that baggage carries into the new relationship and ruins it, too.  Far too many Christians try to leap into another relationship, rather than get their pain healed, because they believe a new relationship will make their pain go away. They want the pain stopped NOW.  The new relationship is only a Band Aid for their pain. The wound will fester and infect under that Band Aid, causing the decaying sickness to invade their entire being, and possibly spread to others. These are very destructive people, whether they realize it or not.  I call them the "broken ones".

Then you have Christian singles who are so carnal, so riddled with sin and deception, so unconcerned with personal spiritual growth, so cavalier about the things of God, so self-centered and self-serving that they don’t care who they hurt, as long as they get whatever they want.  They are all about feeding their own egos, and their own emotional and physical gratification. I call them “carnal Christians”, because I am not sure whether or not they are even part of God’s family, although it’s not my place to say for sure.  They train-wreck and wreak serious damage upon other Christians who are unwise enough to get involved with them.  People with common sense give them a wide berth.

Then you have what I call “ravening wolves”, actual minions of Satan, who PRETEND to be Christian, strictly in order to use, to deceive, and to wreak total havoc upon the lives of real Christians. They run rampant in singles groups and in churches, leaving a trail of pain and destruction in their wake. They are there for one reason…..Kill…..Steal….Destroy. Hence, minions of Satan assigned to carry out his plans.

If you are a Christian single truly committed to Christ, you have to be on guard against all  these destructive people, because there is an unholy assignment formed against you in order to mess you up.  The satanic realm, and sometimes your own ignorance and disobedience will bring these destructive forces into your life.

My first husband is the perfect example.  Even when I was young, there was a call of God on my life.  Satan sent that man into my world just as sure as the sun rises every morning.  I endured years of physical and emotional abuse, and he molested my youngest daughter, wrecking her young life for years.  Her emotional self still suffers the results of his abuse.  In my ignorance, I was swept away on his wave of destruction, and the call of God on my life was derailed for 30 years.  After walking away from that heinous situation at the age of 29, I spent several more years infected with rage, anger and hatred over what had happened.  Was I successfully furthering the cause of Christ during those painful years after the divorce?  Absolutely not.  Satan  won twice!  HOWEVER….had I been a completely SOLD OUT Christian, consulting God over every aspect of my life, I’d have never entered into that relationship in the first place.  It took a few years, but I learned my hard lessons.

Now for some practical examples of  DIVINE PROTECTION you can relate to.

I’ve experienced a lot of loss and tragedy throughout my life.  Sometimes I felt like it would literally kill me, like my heart was being dug out piece by piece with a rusty spoon.  After I “semi-recovered” over the death of my second husband, whom I'd loved very much, and when I decided to take a chance on getting out in the world again to build new relationships, I determined that I would carry GOD with me for the duration. 

I told God that I didn’t think I could survive another train wreck to my heart, and would He please protect me?  I prayed that before I ever ventured out. I told Him that I would ABIDE by His instruction, whatever He said.  This component is VITAL.  If you pray for God’s protection, or God’s answer, or direction, you must be WILLING to abide by what He says. My choice to walk under God’s protection seriously cut into my “dating pool”.  Like I mentioned in my “Online Dating or Not” blog---- I reviewed over 300 profiles, and only found 6 that I felt confident were truly Christian.  None of them panned out. Visiting a large church singles group for nearly 4 years, I’ve only met 2 or 3 possibilities, and none of them have borne fruit.  I feel like that is for a reason – God’s protection, and God’s perfect timing.   

The first man in that group who showed interest in me a couple of years ago completely took me by surprise I didn’t even know how I felt about him. The first night we met, he stuck to me like glue, with his face nearly in my dinner plate.  My girlfriend was quite envious that she wasn’t chosen to be the recipient of his attentions.  He had served in Christian ministry, and said all the right things.  Over the next few weeks, he frequently sent me cutesy little text messages, cutesy emails, called me on the phone, continually talked "Christian-ese", mentioned  the importance of following God’s direction, miracles, ministering to others, AND paid me extravagant compliments.  He set up little coffee meetings where he flirted with me outrageously.  He swept me up into big bear hugs at every opportunity.  He wanted to come into my home, spend more time, and also asked me to build a (free) web site for him.  However, I was holding back from inviting him into my home, or stepping forward into a relationship, something just didn’t feel quite right to me in my spirit.

 So, I took a couple of hours to pray and meditate about it. I asked God again, for protection and direction, and asked whether or not I should move forward.  Was he in God’s plan?  Within 48 HOURS of that prayer, God clearly revealed, through a personal incident, that he was a liar, a deceiver, and conniver looking to hook up with a WIDOW so he could steal her dead husband’s blood money.  While trying to romance me, he’d come on to my girlfriend, (also widowed). She was so lonely and hungry for love, she immediately fell for it.  I learned he’d been married three times, and ALL his wives divorced him for adultery!  His 3rd wife insisted to anyone who’d listen that he was trying to kill her to gain her life insurance money and money from her business, so he could benefit financially and marry a policeman’s widow.  He’d been kicked out of his church after being provided multiple chances to clean up his act with wife #1. He later went to work for a well-known Christian corporation and was fired there due to his scandals over wife # 3.  He didn’t have a dime to his name.  The only things he owned were his clothes, and a car that had been given to him by one of his “church friends” believing in his innocence! He was living rent-free with another Christian family, who also believed in his innocence.  I later learned he had a weird, creepy fascination for widows.  He totally scammed my girlfriend, even though I tried hard to warn her ahead of time.  She simply got angry with me because she thought I was jealous.  Once I learned all those scary things about him after my prayer for direction, I fervently and enthusiastically thanked God for His protection of me.

After 3 months or so, I was contacted by my girlfriend.  She apologized to me for her personal betrayal and ugly behaviors, and shared the rest of her story about the relationship with him, which was actually a nightmare.  First, he lied, saying he’d never been interested in me romantically, that he was only interested in ministering to widows.  (WHAT?? Ministering HOW, I might ask….?  The same way he “ministered” to HER????... No thank you….Um….I really wouldn’t consider THAT ministry, more like carnal sin!  He never offered to actually DO anything tangible for me, like mow my yard, or fix my broken door. However, he was trying to convince ME to build his web site for FREE!  Ministry, indeed! Scoff scoff, snort snort! ) 

He was so smooth, she believed she’d found the romance of her dreams, so she shortly made the horrible mistake of allowing him to move into her home.  He became very controlling and started using up her resources and her money, interfering in her restaurant business, asking her friends for money, and causing divisions between her and her family.  He tried his best to convince her to fund him for a high-dollar business venture. He drove the wheels off her car, and ate up her groceries, never contributing one dime.  He gained access to her email, bank account, everything, because she allowed him to use her computer, so she had to change all of her personal information.  She said she was awakened out of a deep sleep at 3 am one night, by the Holy Spirit loudly telling her “GET HIM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE--NOW!” 

She got up, and asked him to pack his things and leave.  He became enraged, and snarled at her as he was furiously packing up “Well, THIS is about the QUICKEST move in/move out I’ve ever had to do!”  (Scary, sounds to me like he had pulled that scam a few times before……scarier still, he remains a predator lurking around the edges of that singles group!)

After she shared with me, I sent up another heartfelt “THANK YOU JESUS, thank you thank you thank you for protecting me from him!”  I was almost in tears, I was thanking God so fervently.  I believe, if I’d allowed that man into my life, he’d have taken everything I had, leaving me penniless, he’d have cheated on me with other women, and he’d have probably physically abused me as well.  My life would probably have been COMPLETELY destroyed, taking me years to recover!!!  Not long after I spoke with her, I happened to notice his car cruising slowly by my home.  I noticed it more than once.  I realized that although I had never given him my home address, he'd taken it off her computer.  That man weirdly stalked me at church for two long years afterward!!  To this day, I duck around corners to avoid running into him!!

God was watching out for both of us, and God protected both of us—my girlfriend and me.  However, I believe I walked away un-damaged because I prayed for God's protection ahead of time, and I was willing to abide by what He told me.  God DID come through for my friend in the end, by warning her to kick him out of her home.  However, she “thought” she’d diverted his romantic attention from me, her best friend, to gain the relationship.  She dishonored me as her friend, and she did not consult with God on what His plan for her life was regarding this man.  I believe this is why her protection was delayed and why she was hurt.

Recently, God averted me from possible disaster again.  I was approached by someone (from that same church singles group!!!) wanting to spend time together.  He also claimed to have served in Christian ministry.  I didn’t know him well, so I put him off by telling him I’d think it over.  I knew a highly respectable Christian man who I learned was part of his life before his divorce, some years prior.  I approached this man, and asked “Can you tell me a little about so and so, he wants to spend time with me.” 

The man recoiled…yes, I say recoiled….in HORROR.  He went on to tell me that the man had been in ministry, but was continuously in “trouble” over ethics issues. He was arrogant, dishonest, and deceitful.  He carried on multiple internet affairs. When his wife discovered it and provided proof of numerous affairs, she divorced him.  He’d probably been involved in physical affairs as well as internet pornography.  Needless to say, I opted NOT to spend time with this man.  Again, I breathed “THANK YOU JESUS!”  

 Do you see what happened here?  Satan tried to interject those men into my life.  His minions assigned to my life KNOW ME very well, and they know what to throw in my path to make me stumble.  During my single mom days, I encountered a lot of selfish jerks, and I learned to spot players and damaged goods pretty quickly.  Out of pure self-defence, I learned to be a people watcher. I can usually spot somebody fairly quickly who claims Christianity, but who is not walking the walk.  I am not desperate, and I am not easy to fool when it comes to men. (Women can mess me up, another story, more work needed there…)   My father was a minister, and I have tremendous respect for men serving in Christian ministry. Who did Satan send across my path, but men he thought I’d TRUST, men whom I wouldn’t immediately suspect of duplicity ……. men involved in ministry!  Except for God’s protection, I’d have been terribly deceived and hurt by both of those men.

Wrapping up …. There are two things necessary to find the perfect match God has for you. 

Number one:  Ask for God’s divine protection to keep you OUT of relationships He does not want you in. Be 100% willing to follow what He tells you to do, or not to do.  God knows better than you do what you need. He also knows better than you WHEN you need it.  Don’t be disappointed if you aren’t dating today.  If you are submitted to God’s will, your relationships WILL come in His good time. Maybe He is busy preparing that mate’s heart, or their circumstances to make them the best person to match you.  Or maybe He is preparing YOU so that you’ll be the best person to match THEM.  Respect God’s timing.  Don’t rush it.

Number two:  Do NOT rush into a relationship to stop your pain.  GOD is the ultimate Healer.  Another person won’t heal you or fix you if you are broken.  Your damage will only damage them.  You aren’t ready to move into a relationship if you are still broken, and it will only end in more pain and disaster. Approach the Lord and give Him the time and opportunity to heal you, no  matter how long it takes.  You'll be glad you did.

God bless…..and may He provide you with protection, direction, and healing today!!