What Do You Do When a Romance Goes Wrong?

There are a lot of reasons for a romance to go down in flames.  People are people, even Christian people.  We are all fallible, and subject to making mistakes.  Sometimes, even though people may share the same values, they can still be flat out incompatible.  Or, one person may not be ready for a relationship when they think they are, and the other may be past ready.  There are a lot of factors to figure in; recovery level (from divorce), spirituality level, responsibility level, maturity level, background, faith, interests, etc.  

I was on Facebook the other day, reading some of the posts of one of the church singles group volunteers (and commenting).  She had a lot of pertinent points.  She recently went through a breakup, and was sharing about pressing in to God for recuperation and recovery from the pain, planning next time to search for a mate God's way and not her way.  Sometimes, even though we believe we are doing it God’s way, we still get fooled and we still get hurt.  God has a different path marked out for each of us. We cannot deviate off that course if we want to step into what God has for us. Our path is not someone else’s path.

I recently went through a romance train wreck myself.  It was awful, and I have had some difficulty recovering.  For 5 years after the death of my husband, I did not “date”.  I met several guys, and considered them, but none felt quite “right” to me.  One of them who came across my path was only interested in me for what he THOUGHT I had, and when he found out my best friend had what  he wanted (a nice bank account left to her by her dead husband), he went for her while trying to string me along.  God warned me something wasn't right,so I was saved from that.  So, for 5 years, I waited for Mr. Right. 

I became friends with a man about a year ago.  We chatted a lot, and started out as “church friends”.  Then we started spending some time together.  We had a lot in common.  We had both been treated very badly by people in our past. He was very newly out of his long-time relationship.  We had a strong spiritual connection, and talked at length about God and spiritual things, and other things that were more personal than they should have been (red flag #1).  We had a strong mental connection as well.  However, he was working through some issues which troubled me (red flag #2), but since we had such a connection, I chose to ignore that. There came a point when he wanted to push our relationship beyond the casual friends level, and I went along with that. I had other things going on, so I did not think or pray it through properly. I thought it would work out because I felt a very strong connection and  both of us SEEMED committed to loving and pursuing God.  It had been a long time since I had such a strong spiritual/emotional connection with anyone. Normally, I much very reserved about that sort of thing.  Sometimes you just click with somebody, and you don't know why.  I considered him a special friend with whom I had much in common. (In retrospect, I can see I cared much more about  him than he did about me!---but hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?)

HOWEVER.  There is always a HOWEVER, isn’t there????  At the time I made the decision to let the status of the relationship change, I had a lot of personal trauma and drama going on in my life that was causing me a lot of distraction. My dad and my sister-in-law were both terminally ill.  I was unemployed and had been looking for work for months. I was struggling with major depression.  I had serious plumbing problems and other issues with my home. Two of my adult children were behaving very badly toward me. My sister was generating a big family drama, with me at the center of her upset. There were some hurtful misunderstandings regarding members of leadership at the small church where I served as a volunteer for 3 years, which later caused me to decide that church was not where I belonged.   I was physically, spiritually and emotionally exhausted.  I was not in prayer and Bible study as I should have been, and Satan was attacking me from all sides. 

I needed a friend, and support in the midst of my drama and there HE was!!!  If I had been in my normal “mode”, I would have guarded my heart more closely, and very probably would have chosen NOT to cross the line from casual to non-casual.  I would have carefully weighed all issues, and realized he had not had enough TIME to recover from his previous relationship, and he needed MORE time to emotionally recover from his messy divorce, health issues, and his floundering home-operated business.  I would have never broken my own “rules” about being the first romance a man has after a divorce, or dating someone who has been divorced for under two years.  With him, I broke those rules. My subconscious mind knew better.

Shortly after we moved from casual to non-casual, I noticed a sudden, tremendous “backpedalling” on his part.  He suddenly became emotionally unavailable, and for a couple weeks, actually seemed to be avoiding me.  Our communications faltered.  I knew something was horribly wrong, so I tried talking to him about it.  Finally, he admitted “Well, I THOUGHT I could make this relationship work, I THOUGHT God was doing something, but I AM JUST NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR WEIGHT!”  I was devastated.  My weight did not seem to be a factor when he wanted to change the status quo of the relationship!!! What suddenly changed overnight???  

My Dad and beloved sister-in-law/best friend had both just DIED, and my daughter and grand-daughter had just that week moved out of my house after my daughter told me she hated my guts and hoped I would die, my sister was trashing my reputation with the entire family over the fact that I was at my sister-in-law’s deathbed when my dad went critical (they died within 48 hours of each other), and my son had just gone to jail for a DWI.

NOW a guy that I had actually come care for deeply because of a strong spiritual/emotional connection tells me he can’t date me any longer, because I am suddenly so FAT he is not attracted to me???  Say WHAT???  Needless to say, I did not handle that very well.  I tried to make him understand why I was so upset by such a declaration, and his response was to justify his behavior and further insult me with other negative personal remarks.  At that point, I had what you might call a melt-down, and we communicated some pretty harsh things to each other. 

I cried my eyes out for many days.  Although we had not been involved that long, I cared about him very much.  We had shared thoughts and emotions on a very deep level, and suddenly he was GONE.  I had to figure out a way to pull myself back together without breaking apart.  My feelings for him were much stronger than even I realized, because I had been careless and had not guarded my heart.  I had allowed myself to fall headlong for this man, without weighing the more serious issues.  After I calmed down and analyzed things, I realized that it probably wasn’t my appearance as much as the fact that he was not ready for a romantic relationship, and he needed an “out” to extricate himself from any possible commitment to me.  He still had strong residual feelings for his ex-wife which he had not even begun to recover from.  I was actually more upset over the loss of the friendship than I was over the potential romance.

I started walking nearly every evening, and beating down Heaven's door, talking to God.  I had to get past the pain. I had not dated in over 5 years and my heart felt totally smashed.   I had to do some serious work to recover (and still working on it).  I am not a woman who can turn her feelings on and off like a faucet, if I care, I care deeply.  It took me at least 6 weeks to feel anything but wretched.  I spent a lot of time journaling and reading the Word, trying to recover my wrecked self-esteem. I felt fat, ugly, unwanted, and completely defeminized.

I spent a lot of time meditating on Bible verses affirming me as special and valuable to God.  My favorite was Song of Solomon 2:4 He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love.  Another was Zeph 3:17 17 The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing. Another was my old standby favorite Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
 

After nearly two months, I started to feel almost human again. The "dating" part of our relationship didn't even last THAT long!  I even started talking with him again, just as a friend, and even praying for his healing and resolution for his issues. I knew God brought him into my life for a reason, and it was not God's fault that I messed it up by being careless.  We made our peace, and we both asked and gave forgiveness.  The relationship is tentative at best. We will never recapture the friendship or the openness we once had.  It will never be a romance either.  Even should it somehow re-kindle, I would always feel insecure, even if it happened that the way I looked really wasn't the true reason I was "kicked to the curb" by someone I cared for deeply, and considered my best friend.  Every time any woman younger, or thinner passed by, I know I would feel unwanted and inferior.  After once being married to a man who continually kept flowers on my kitchen table, and who told me at least 10 times a day that I was beautiful and loved, I wouldn’t be able to live with that sort of a substandard relationship. 

 However, I learned a lot in that two months suffering over a broken heart.  I re-learned to WAIT ON THE LORD.  I also re-learned to pray pray pray pray for protection from wrong relationships. If there is anything that seems not right about a relationship, anything that needs “fixing” before it can work, then DO NOT GO THERE.  I also re-learned to GUARD YOUR HEART, especially when that person has committed nothing to you.  I also re-learned never to give more than you receive, or you will end up unappreciated, and taken for granted.  I also re-learned that GOD will not give you a sub-standard relationship.  He wants to give you the BEST, because  you are the APPLE of His eye!!  

The long and the short of it is, I already KNEW about everything that caused this train wreck.  However, due to getting sidetracked with the traumas and dramas of life, I allowed myself to become DIVERTED from the path God had set for me, and I paid dearly.  I lost a friend.  My heart got broken.  I spent weeks in misery.  I wasted much time and energy when I should have been doing more important things, gathering the shattered pieces of myself back together.  Now, it is back to the wait for Mr. Right, OR a life of solitude, whichever God deems BEST for me.  Learn to be CONTENT where I am.  Wait on the Lord. Trust Him for His best, whatever that is.  Dedicate myself to His plan for my life, and willingly give HIM control of my feelings and emotions.  Nail my heart to the cross.  Crucify it, so He can resurrect it to new life.  Let HIM repair me, and make me new.  After all, GOD is in the business of mending broken things.  Even hearts.

New Years Resolution for 2013

I haven't posted in a few months.  I have had a lot going on. Today's blog is a little more personal than what I normally share.  Late this summer, my father became critically ill with symptoms from his Parkinson's disease.  My sister-in-law's cancer took a serious turn for the worse. I was occupied with illness for quite some time. Both of them passed away this fall. I helped plan two funerals in one week. It was very difficult, and I am still suffering emotional backlash. In addition to deaths, there was serious family drama unfolding. And, as you might imagine, there were some personal issues as well. Consequently, blogging was the last thing on my mind.  However, it is a New Year and time to get back into the swing of things. So much fell by the wayside, I'm having difficulty catching back up.  I am also ramping up my job search because BILLS must be PAID. Therefore, my NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS are very simple this year.

On Sunday, the pastor at Crosstimbers in Argyle brought an excellent message on letting go the old so you can step forward into the NEW. If we aren't reacting to things like we should, or following God like we should, we have to ASK Him to make our broken places NEW so that we CAN do and be what God calls us to. It's all about surrendering and letting go.

As each day passes, I realize how much I am dependent on God. I can't do anything without God. I can't clean up my house, or pay my bills, or loose weight, or even crawl out of bed in the mornings. These last several months I have been struggling with a bone-crunching depression that has literally been crippling me. HONESTLY, there were days I would not have made it out of bed without God's help. There were also days I wouldn't have even made it through the day without giving in to despair and ending it all. There were days when I felt the loneliness and discouragement might kill me, because I felt them exploding in my chest like a hand grenade. My soul felt like it was gushing blood.

Sometimes, God has to let us break down completely so we will surrender everything to him, to realize that without HIM, we can do NOTHING. I always considered myself a very strong person. I had many people tell me how strong I was. I held everything together and I raised three kids on my own without welfare and food stamps. I received grand total of $300 in child support in 9 years from the biological father of my children, whom I divorced in 1989 for alcoholism, abuse, and infidelity. I was actually pretty darn proud of the accomplishment of raising the children on my own without assistance. However, I couldn't have done it without God's help.  I really wasn't giving God due credit back then. I was beginning to seriously struggle with my teenagers by the time I met and married my second husband.

The real trial came after my second husband died from cancer. Over the next few years, I struggled through career issues and the shame of long-term unemployment, more deaths in my family, family drama, battles regarding alcoholism, rebellion and legal issues with my children, and a multitude of personal issues and disappointments. I was brought to the very lowest point in my entire life. There comes a time when you realize that no matter how smart you are, or creative, or tenacious, or loving, or giving, or ANYTHING, you are just broken and nothing will MOVE for you. You realize you are totally powerless over it all. Every effort you make seems in vain. Nothing you DO means anything to anybody, your labor affects nothing.

That's when you throw up both hands in complete surrender to God, and you say "OK GOD, I cannot do this, even the simplest thing -- ANYTHING -- and if you don't take over, and clear up some of my mess, I will DIE face-down in it, so I TRUST YOU TO HANDLE IT!"  When you think about it, the only hands that can receive from GOD are EMPTY hands held up in surrender. God can't give you anything if your hands are already full, even if they are full of garbage.

I am not making a list of New Years resolutions this year, to lose interest in and break 6 weeks later. In myself, I haven't the power to keep any of them anyway.  I have but one commitment this year, and that is to get as close to God as I possibly can, and listen to His voice, and try to do the things I know He asks me to do. I have to "be a light and not a dark". (I pray that prayer every day -- "God help me be a light and not a dark!")

If I have to reach out to somebody after I have forgiven them for being a total jerk toward me, and HELP or encourage them when God says to, when I'd much rather avoid them for fear they will hurt me again, I have to do it. If He directs me to some bizarre idea to find employment, I have to do it. If He tells me to stop and pray with a stranger on the street, I have to do it.

Because, without His help and guidance, I will never pull out of this slump or change anything about the train wreck my life has become. On my own, I might remain unemployed forever and might loose everything I have. I might end up on the street with no one to care if I starve. My children might hate me forever, and remain alcohol-addicted, angry, poverty stricken failures spitting on my grave. I might remain single and alone from now on. I might lose the few friends I have. I might never find "the church" where I can be considered a valued part of the "church family", and fit in. I might disappear completely.

So here we go.....2013....just ME and GOD. I will be knocking on His door for ALL my answers, with empty hands, and I won't be stopping until my victory is achieved. I plan to do my best to UTILIZE for myself, each drop of blood that Jesus shed to buy my victories. I will share my victories with anyone who will listen, hoping that my victories will encourage them to seek out their own. We overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. The over comers achieve the crown of life. I don't want to reach Heaven with empty hands. I'd like to have at least one crown to present to my King.