New Years Resolution for 2013

I haven't posted in a few months.  I have had a lot going on. Today's blog is a little more personal than what I normally share.  Late this summer, my father became critically ill with symptoms from his Parkinson's disease.  My sister-in-law's cancer took a serious turn for the worse. I was occupied with illness for quite some time. Both of them passed away this fall. I helped plan two funerals in one week. It was very difficult, and I am still suffering emotional backlash. In addition to deaths, there was serious family drama unfolding. And, as you might imagine, there were some personal issues as well. Consequently, blogging was the last thing on my mind.  However, it is a New Year and time to get back into the swing of things. So much fell by the wayside, I'm having difficulty catching back up.  I am also ramping up my job search because BILLS must be PAID. Therefore, my NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS are very simple this year.

On Sunday, the pastor at Crosstimbers in Argyle brought an excellent message on letting go the old so you can step forward into the NEW. If we aren't reacting to things like we should, or following God like we should, we have to ASK Him to make our broken places NEW so that we CAN do and be what God calls us to. It's all about surrendering and letting go.

As each day passes, I realize how much I am dependent on God. I can't do anything without God. I can't clean up my house, or pay my bills, or loose weight, or even crawl out of bed in the mornings. These last several months I have been struggling with a bone-crunching depression that has literally been crippling me. HONESTLY, there were days I would not have made it out of bed without God's help. There were also days I wouldn't have even made it through the day without giving in to despair and ending it all. There were days when I felt the loneliness and discouragement might kill me, because I felt them exploding in my chest like a hand grenade. My soul felt like it was gushing blood.

Sometimes, God has to let us break down completely so we will surrender everything to him, to realize that without HIM, we can do NOTHING. I always considered myself a very strong person. I had many people tell me how strong I was. I held everything together and I raised three kids on my own without welfare and food stamps. I received grand total of $300 in child support in 9 years from the biological father of my children, whom I divorced in 1989 for alcoholism, abuse, and infidelity. I was actually pretty darn proud of the accomplishment of raising the children on my own without assistance. However, I couldn't have done it without God's help.  I really wasn't giving God due credit back then. I was beginning to seriously struggle with my teenagers by the time I met and married my second husband.

The real trial came after my second husband died from cancer. Over the next few years, I struggled through career issues and the shame of long-term unemployment, more deaths in my family, family drama, battles regarding alcoholism, rebellion and legal issues with my children, and a multitude of personal issues and disappointments. I was brought to the very lowest point in my entire life. There comes a time when you realize that no matter how smart you are, or creative, or tenacious, or loving, or giving, or ANYTHING, you are just broken and nothing will MOVE for you. You realize you are totally powerless over it all. Every effort you make seems in vain. Nothing you DO means anything to anybody, your labor affects nothing.

That's when you throw up both hands in complete surrender to God, and you say "OK GOD, I cannot do this, even the simplest thing -- ANYTHING -- and if you don't take over, and clear up some of my mess, I will DIE face-down in it, so I TRUST YOU TO HANDLE IT!"  When you think about it, the only hands that can receive from GOD are EMPTY hands held up in surrender. God can't give you anything if your hands are already full, even if they are full of garbage.

I am not making a list of New Years resolutions this year, to lose interest in and break 6 weeks later. In myself, I haven't the power to keep any of them anyway.  I have but one commitment this year, and that is to get as close to God as I possibly can, and listen to His voice, and try to do the things I know He asks me to do. I have to "be a light and not a dark". (I pray that prayer every day -- "God help me be a light and not a dark!")

If I have to reach out to somebody after I have forgiven them for being a total jerk toward me, and HELP or encourage them when God says to, when I'd much rather avoid them for fear they will hurt me again, I have to do it. If He directs me to some bizarre idea to find employment, I have to do it. If He tells me to stop and pray with a stranger on the street, I have to do it.

Because, without His help and guidance, I will never pull out of this slump or change anything about the train wreck my life has become. On my own, I might remain unemployed forever and might loose everything I have. I might end up on the street with no one to care if I starve. My children might hate me forever, and remain alcohol-addicted, angry, poverty stricken failures spitting on my grave. I might remain single and alone from now on. I might lose the few friends I have. I might never find "the church" where I can be considered a valued part of the "church family", and fit in. I might disappear completely.

So here we go.....2013....just ME and GOD. I will be knocking on His door for ALL my answers, with empty hands, and I won't be stopping until my victory is achieved. I plan to do my best to UTILIZE for myself, each drop of blood that Jesus shed to buy my victories. I will share my victories with anyone who will listen, hoping that my victories will encourage them to seek out their own. We overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. The over comers achieve the crown of life. I don't want to reach Heaven with empty hands. I'd like to have at least one crown to present to my King.