Top Criteria for Choosing a Date

The topic in this blog may be a very OBVIOUS point, but I think it's something that needs to be addressed in the Christian dating world. Sadly, it seems that the middle aged Christian dating world is plagued with the same divorce-causing cancer that affects the secular one.

Far too many singles are focused on the wrong things. When their focus is skewed, they end up getting into wrong relationships, and end up paying the ultimate price.... another divorce, or a broken heart, looking for someone new to date.

I recently overheard a comment about a guy who resurfaced in the GSA singles group I attend. They said he'd married, but divorced a few months later. I'd noticed that he'd disappeared for quite awhile. Then I noticed he suddenly appeared back on the scene.  This is not unusual. I often see this phenomenon in that singles group.  It generally  means that someone stepped away from the group and began dating.  Either they get married, or, more often, they resurface because the dating relationship didn't work out. In this man's case, he'd married, something had gone terribly wrong, and he very shortly ended up divorced and back in the group.

The interesting thing is, that not long after I began attending the group, about four years ago, while attending a singles dinner, I overheard this man loudly talking with a friend.  It was a very negative scenario. I brought friend to the dinner who'd been out of church for a long while. This man was actually wearing a gold church greeter tag with his name on it. The conversation we overheard was appalling, made even more so by the fact that he was a greeter for the singles. 

This fellow was loudly bragging to his friend about "dumping" a girl  because she had not "rung his bell".  He got quite in-depth about it. Apparently, she wasn't appealing enough to suit. I inwardly cringed for this poor woman being so crassly discussed, and sincerely hoped she was not present at the dinner to experience the personal humiliation such a conversation surely would have caused. The conversation was so loud that everyone within earshot for 15 feet couldn't miss hearing it. My guest was so appalled at overhearing this conversation, she refused to ever set foot in my church again. She insisted that if such behavior was tolerated and unaddressed by leadership at a singles dinner, she did not wish to participate in such a church. Fortunately she found another church to attend to her spiritual needs. Unfortunately, she had a very good point.

I hadn't realized the man in question married someone several months later. I was merely relieved to see his boorish behavior disappear from the Christian singles scene at my church. People really need to be more cognizant of the conversations they have in such a setting. They should always remember that they may be the only Jesus some people ever see, and thus they should exercise at least a modicum of conversational restraint and not behave like total Cretins.

Honestly, I wasn't surprised to see him BACK on the scene. From all indications of his outward behavior, he was looking for the wrong thing in a relationship. And, from what I'd observed, he was quite a jerk to boot.  The top of his criteria list for a desirable dating partner was geared toward appearance rather than character. I observe this far too often. 

I see women dating unsuitable men in Christian singles because the men are much younger, or quite handsome, when the men have nothing to recommend them, character-wise.  It usually ends badly. There is an old saying that you cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.  It's very true.  One man attending GSA is outgoing, tall, and handsome enough by some women's standards (not mine....because his flawed character off-puts me so totally I can see nothing desirable about him).  He has THREE failed marriages under his belt due to adulterous affairs he's had while serving in MINISTRY, and people know this. YET, some women in GSA continue to welcome his attentions!! WHAT???? This baffles me! I often see men choose women to date based on their looks alone, with character and personality seldom considered. Then, they wonder why the relationship doesn't last and they whine when their heart gets broken.

I simply do not understand why appearance is at the top of the list and character is at the bottom, when it comes to the majority of Christian dating.  Christ-followers should know better!!!! Is a man balding, or does he have a bit of a paunch? Is a woman a bit overweight, with a few more bags and sags and wrinkles than she ought to have, thus not qualifying to enter the Barbie contest?  Is that a godly, valid reason to DISQUALIFY a person from your dating pool???? Apparently so, at least in the circles I move in!

That bald man with the paunch may be the kindest, gentlest, sweetest man in the group, who'd treat his girl like a queen and lavish her with affection and attention, whereas that swarthy Lothario over there, who is handsome and 10 years younger than you will probably trash your heart because he is a known player. If you pass that bald man up, and date Lothario because you are so flattered he asked you, and you want something pretty on your arm to make your other girlfriends green with envy, you deserve the heartbreak you'll surely get for your shallow standards.

That woman over there who is 40 pounds overweight could have the most loyal, kind, trustworthy heart of any woman in the group. She could be the perfect Proverbs 31 woman, the one who'd hold a man's heart firmly in her hands, never let it go, and help him be all he can be in life. She may be just short of an angel. However, SHE usually gets overlooked and passed over for cute Miss Barbie over there, who is 15 years younger, catty, hateful, spiteful, competitive, snarky, and looking for a nice meal ticket. She'll get it, too, and that man providing it will be miserable and forevermore feeling like he somehow missed out on something special. He'll probably BLAME GOD for not sending him the PERFECT woman.... when God DID send the perfect woman, and he passed her by because she fell just short of his physical expectations.  His misery will serve him right for acting like such an idiot!  That free will will bite you in the rear every time, if you don't train yourself to listen to and follow the still, small voice of God's guidance and His gentle opportunities.

Don't get me wrong, people. I am not saying one should date only the fat or the bald.  What I AM saying is, look at EVERYBODY. Examine character before appearance. Don't dismiss someone out of hand because you don't see them as a Nicole Kidman or a Tom Cruise!! That is such an immature attitude to have, and you'll pay dearly for it, in the long run. TALK to the bald man -- find out what he's all about before dismissing him out of hand.  TALK to the woman who's a little too pudgy and get to know her, before writing her off your list of potentials. When you limit yourself, and go for the potential dates everyone else is going after, you severely limit your choices AND your chances, and are apt to pass up the most valuable gem in the box! Wipe away some of that dust, dig a little, and you're apt to find a gem of great price buried under all that cheap, rhinestone "made in China" JUNK.  The gilt and rhinestone may sparkle more, but the diamond is more desirable any day, because that gilt wears off with use and you end up with broken, tacky trash.

Choosing a dating relationship based on appearance rather than character is what the secular world does. It's also why there is such a high divorce rate.  Such immaturity and ignorance has no place in the Christian life-walk. You ought to know better. Choosing a mate is very serious business. You are talking about, hopefully, the rest of your life here. Eventually, everyone will loose hair, and bag and sag. Even Tom Cruise will loose most of his charm, once he turns 80. Those of us hitting middle age have already begun the process.  What are you people THINKING, for Pete's sake???  Character and the ability to stick with a relationship for the long haul is what really counts here, not the thickness of one's pompadour, nor a few extra pounds resting in the wrong place.  Christian singles need to wake up and smell the coffee on this matter!!!!  That junior-high type behavior ought to be long since passed by now! 

If you are guilty of choosing dates based on the wrong criteria (which you probably are, because about 95% of you men DO, and about 40% of you women DO) you need to GROW UP, lest you be like the pathetic MR. RING-A-DING man hanging out on the fringes of GSA again --- cycling back through divorce court, and crawling back to the singles group in humiliation, trolling the already over-fished waters for a new relationship. (Honestly, I am having a REAL HARD TIME dredging up any pity for that man!!!--Christian, or no!!)  I wouldn't give him the time of day, because I observed him being a horrible jerk.  EWWWW!  If some of you people weren't behaving like clueless idiots in the first place, you could be at home watching TV in bed, cuddling with your sweet soul mate and enjoying the comforts of your middle age.  I certainly know where I'd rather be!! (I do not enjoy attending singles groups ....... behaviors exhibited there by so-called Christian people appall me for the most part...)

So, I, for one, will be talking to that bald man sitting in the corner, or to that quiet man dressed like a nerd and wearing his pants a little too short, the guys that all the other women are passing by because they don't find their appearance quite "up to snuff".

Who are YOU busy choosing????  A year or two from now, will you be snuggled up with your forever sweetie, or will you be trolling the stale, over-fished waters of the tiresome singles group for a new person to date because your last relationship ended up a train wreck?? Could it be that your "picker" needs a godly overhaul??  Just sayin'.......