Why you never date the newly divorced!

Even though it may sound like I’m being cold-hearted, I’m really not.  This is a matter of wisdom, discernment, and self-preservation.  Since I am a woman, I can really only speak to what happens when women date the newly divorced.  It works a little differently (but often just as badly) when men date the newly divorced, so I will let the male bloggers out there speak to that one.  And, whether or not a person is a professing Christian seems to have very little bearing on the outcome of this scenario.

This is what you call a text-book scenario. It’s so common that it nearly always happens, that’s the rule. When it doesn’t happen, that’s the exception.  I, personally, don’t jaywalk.  You can jaywalk and cross the street without being maimed, but you are far more likely to be maimed when you jaywalk than when you cross with the green light.  For a woman to date a newly divorced man is like her jaywalking across a 6-lane freeway in high heels right before rush hour, when traffic is heavy, and traveling really fast. 

When a man is divorced, his ego is generally horribly crushed, especially when the wife was the one who did the walking.  That’s one strike.  Strike two is that, emotionally, men can’t handle being alone nearly as successfully as women can.  They are more dependent upon companionship than women are.  Statistics say that most divorced men are remarried within two years, whereas many divorced women never remarry, and if they do, the statistic for them is remarriage in six to fourteen years.  Strike three is that the typical divorced man usually doesn’t take the time to go through counseling or a divorce recovery group – he usually opts to end his pain by hooking up with another woman as soon as possible to bandage his bruised ego, and opts to immediately kill his loneliness with another relationship.  Notice, I say TYPICAL.  There are exceptions.

98% of the time, this scenario turns out very badly for the unfortunate woman chosen to be the other half of this man’s first new relationship after his divorce.  When this unwise woman lets it slip to this bruised man that she is developing feelings, it is first a huge boost to his ego.  It’s confirmation to him that his “mojo” isn’t broken, that he still has the ability to attract and capture a woman’s heart (or her scalp, whichever the case may be) in spite of his marriage going down in flames.  This is generally such a huge boost to his ego, that his second determination flips the light bulb switch of his mind with a  “WOW!  I had no idea that it would be this easy to get another woman to fall for me!  I’ll bet that since I got this one to fall so quickly, the next one will be even easier!  Besides, I think I can do better than this woman, she falls a tiny bit short of my ideal!  I did so well this time, I think I can easily find someone younger, and more attractive!”

At this point, the typical divorced man usually “dumps” his first new relationship within hours of the light bulb coming on, and then goes on a frenzied “woman chasing binge”, where he repeats the attract/reel-in/dump scenario at least 4 or 5 times, until he finally gets tired of the ego-boosting game he’s been playing in his head with himself.  Once he is confident that his mojo is fully operational and his options are limitless, at that point, the average divorced male usually decides to settle on someone attractive and remarry.  Notice I say attractive, because physical attraction is usually the most important criteria; often, everything else seems secondary.  Men are much more visual than women, that’s just how they are wired.  Unless, of course, he’s let his success with the ladies go to his head, and turn him into a real ego-maniac, at which juncture, he is apt to play the attract/reel-in/dump scenario until he has to retire with his walker and bed pan.  At that point, his kids usually check him into a nursing home, where there are 25 women to every man, and the blue haired old ladies vigorously compete with one another for his attentions at the Bingo table.  He remains a Lothario until the bitter end.

This may sound a little cynical to the uninitiated, but don’t forget, I’ve been in a position to watch adult singles play their games in church singles group for about 15 years now. I have observed this exact scenario played out more times than I can possibly count.  I even coined a phrase for that first woman who allows herself to get sucked into a relationship with the newly divorced man.  I call her the “Disposable Girlfriend”.  

Ladies, count me wrong at your own peril.  My personal rule is that I won’t ever  be the first woman to get involved with a newly divorced man.  I don’t even want to casually date one.  I set that rule up for myself when I was single back in my 30’s, after I learned about the “Disposable Girlfriend” perils through personal experience, and saw several friends get bitten by it as well.  When I became single again, I quickly observed that it remained the most valid rule in the book. Break that rule…….break your own heart. (I am adding this personal note in January of 2013.  I recently BROKE my own rule, and guess what -- my words proved true. My  heart got broken for breaking this rule!)

I do want to clarify that this man I am describing is the TYPICAL divorced man. There are absolutely exceptions to this rule.  Some very wise, caring, spiritual men, who really love God, who truly care about the welfare of others, realize how broken they are after a nasty break-up, and they realize how dangerous it is to them and to others to begin dating before their hearts are ready.  They are responsible and self aware, and they do not want to hurt anyone, or cause any further train wrecks.  They want the hurt to end with them.  They want their next relationship to be the RIGHT one, and they are not interested in collecting scalps.  They are the ones who take the time to reflect, to heal, and to become responsible daters before stepping back into the dating scene.  THEY are the ones whom you WON'T find dating within weeks, or months of their divorce......or.....gasp....horrors....before their divorce is even final!!!!  A  good rule of thumb to start with in determining whether you should date a man or not is to find out how long he's been divorced.  That should tell you if he's taken the time to do the work.  If he has not taken a reasonable amount of time.....run......and run VERY FAST!

Nothing scares me as badly as a newly divorced man who hasn’t taken the time to let GOD work on healing his wounds before he gets out there and starts dating again.  Women can be equally dangerous, but in a different way.  Again, I will let the male bloggers out there respond to that one.  There’s an old saying “Hurt people hurt people”.  The best chance any single person has of experiencing a successful relationship with the opposite sex is getting themselves emotionally healthy before they date, and making sure that the person they choose to date has taken the time to get themselves emotionally healthy as well.  There is a bit of advice that the counselors used to dole out several years ago. I am not sure if it still applies, but it makes a lot of sense to me.  They used to say that after a breakup, it takes 2 months for every year of togetherness (up to 25) for a person to recover from a prior relationship. 

Of course, a person’s recovery time depends on how willing they are to allow God to heal them, how honest they are with God about their wounds, and how willing they are to do their part to fix what is broken within themselves.  There is no doubt that God can expedite the healing process for anyone, and there are exceptions to every rule.  Some people never allow themselves to be healed, they carry their baggage and bitterness to the grave with them.  But, before you tell yourself you have found the exception, you owe it to yourself to honestly assess whether you really see healing in that person, or whether you are experiencing the delusion of wishful thinking.  We can talk ourselves into a lot of crazy beliefs when we really want something – like a permanent relationship with a person of the opposite sex whose chemistry nearly knocks us on our heels every time we walk past.  The power of self-delusion is limitless when it comes to that.

The best rule of thumb going into any relationship is to ask God what He thinks about it……is it in His plan for you……and to abide by HIS answer, whatever it may be!