Online dating, or not?

Do I have an opinion about online dating? Of course I do!  I will share my opinion with a story.
 

Online dating made its advent about 15 years ago, more or less.  Yahoo Personals was probably the first venue, or maybe it was AOL?  Back in those days, computer owners were generally corporate, professional people.   Certainly there were con artists and shady characters, but they weren’t the norm.  

I worked on a contract out at Lockheed Martin with a friend who nagged me for months to place an online ad.  She was on Yahoo personals, and having a great time.  I was DONE with dating, completely disgusted with the whole concept, after wasting my time on what I considered substandard relationships.  If I could not have the sort of man I wanted, I’d choose to remain single.  If I had a man in my life, God would have to send him.  I was in a Christian singles group, but the pickings there were pretty slim.  Single women out-numbered the men by about 10 to 1, as is the general rule within singles groups.  

After being housebound with my fractious teenagers for many months, and mercilessly nagged by my co-worker about how I needed to get out once in awhile, I finally succumbed to her pressure to submit an online Yahoo personal ad.  I thought I might go out on a few dates with a nice guy, just to get out of the house.  I had the ad out there for less than one week before I became disgusted with the whole concept.  I did not care for the emails I was getting, so I pulled the ad after only four days.  During that four days, my future husband sent me an email.  We corresponded back and forth for many weeks before I ever agreed to meet him.  I lived in West Fort Worth, and he lived in the Flower Mound area. I insisted he drive out 50 miles to meet ME at MY local movie theater and restaurant.  9 months later we were married.  This was definitely a God thing.  God used the Yahoo personals to make the perfect match. 

HOWEVER.  Today’s dating services are an entirely different matter.  They are riddled with evil scammers from Nigeria and Manila, posing as Christian men, attempting to sucker in gullible Christian women to rip off.  How do I know this?  A Christian friend of mine joined Match, where she encountered them the first time.  She encountered a man who proclaimed Christianity, and sent her numerous little prayers. He showered her with compliments, professed undying love for her and insisted he wanted to date her as soon as he finished a business project which kept him out of town or overseas much of the time. After several weeks, told her he’d been mugged in Europe on a business trip and needed 3 thousand dollars to get home. MMMMhmmmm.  After awhile, contacts of this ilk seem to become a common occurrence, and neither Match nor E-harmony ever do anything about them.

I’ve received the benefit of watching several very attractive Christian friends navigate these online dating services.  They weren’t having much success meeting datable men at the Christian Singles Group I mentioned in my Welcome Blog.  Observing their miserable experiences with Match and E-Harmony, I know I’d never touch either of those services with a 10 foot pole.  I’ve seen one sweet Christian friend endure two broken engagements with men she met on the major online services.  The first fiancé completely misrepresented himself.  I saw another Christian friend date a mind-boggling series of men for about four years, never meeting anyone suitable.  One friend actually found a nice Christian man to marry online, but only after several years of online disappointments.  It seems to me like a lot of trouble  for questionable rewards.

I have one very attractive Christian friend who’s been doing the online thing for quite some time.  She cancelled Match and E-Harmony in complete disgust.  She finally joined one called “Senior People” that she gave rave reviews.  She said she’d met quite a few genuinely nice men.  No forever men, but decent, nice, Christian men to safely converse with over a nice meal.  She kept urging me to join it, because they had some great introductory specials and she was having fun simply getting out in the evenings and dating nice men. 

 I went through a very disappointing Holiday season, where a fellow with whom I was rather smitten apparently cared less whether I was alive or dead.  An uneventful Valentine’s Day rolled past, and by that time I was getting REALLY ANNOYED at the status quo.  Not being one who handles being IGNORED very well, (yes, my late husband spoiled me dreadfully by buying me all those flowers and telling me he loved me 10 times a day) I decided to be proactive and help the Lord out with my dating life by subscribing to her advice.  They sent me an offer that I could not refuse, and I finally signed up for their service. 

May I interject “What a disgusting waste of money!”

 It wasn’t much, but I could have certainly taken myself to dinner and movies a couple of times.  I researched about three hundred profiles, at least, probably more. Out of that mind boggling number, wasting several HOURS of my time, I only found SIX that I considered as possibilities.  Gritting my teeth at being what I considered “forward”, and “unladylike” (YES – I am a VERY old-fashioned girl, not one who thinks it’s her place to initiate romance! I want to BE pursued, not pursue;  asking a MAN for a DATE seems completely PERVERSE to me!) I wrote a brief email introducing myself to those SIX possibilities.  Not even ONE of them replied.  Cringe.  That was certainly a shot in the arm to my self-esteem ... NOT. 

However, Pandora’s box was opened.  I was inundated with emails from all over the country.  I was inundated with emails from raving idiots and perverts and completely illiterate persons.  I was inundated with emails from men far outside my cultural and ethnic zone.  I don’t know WHERE my friend was finding all these Christian men she called “nice”, I sure wasn’t seeing  any of them.  However, she is a bit older than me, so perhaps that was the differentiater.  I am not going above 10 years my senior, because I already had one husband die. I don’t intend to up the chances of that happening again.  In any case, the whole mess was a pathetic bust as far as I was concerned.  Even though my membership extends into summer, I haven’t even logged in since March.

So, yes, at this point, I have a definite PERSONAL opinion regarding online dating.  I believe that a person is more likely to meet someone special within their own sphere of influence, rather than having to look outside it.  When you are around people who share your environment, there are better opportunities to realistically get to know them as a person.  Besides, when you are dealing with online, there is so much more opportunity for the practice of deception and dishonesty.  Everyone has to make their own choice, and I am not denying that it works out great for some Christian people.  However, my personal choice today is to forego online dating as a viable option for encountering a quality relationship.

You know what the funny thing is?  I felt in my gut all along that GOD was telling me NOT to subscribe to the service.  I felt like HE was telling me that HE had another plan for me, but I thought maybe He needed some help, since my dating life was at a complete stand-still.  He neglected to share what the alternative plan was, and I did not see any indication that there was one.  It never works out to your benefit when you ignore the still, small voice of God.  For the first two years after my husband passed, I swore to myself that I would never remarry.  I felt like I’d never meet anybody who’d care as much about me as my husband had.  However, somewhere in year 3, I started getting sick of my own company, coupled with the often selfish attitude of my grown children, who are usually all take and no give.  I started to MISS being doted on!  I started to miss flowers, and romantic dates and “I love you, you are so beautifuls!”   I started to feel invisible, and like I did not matter.

I have some friends who INSIST that being single is great, they crow about how wonderful it is to live alone and be masters of their own fate.  I say HOGWASH to that!!!!!! I believe they must have a screw loose.  God did not create us to be single.  God created marriage to reflect His relationship with us, and when marriage is done RIGHT, it’s fabulous.  Done WRONG, it’s hell on earth.  God did call some people to be single, certainly, but I am not one of those. 

 I’m a sold-out Jesus freak.  I’d be delighted to meet a special person who loved God as much as I do, and who’d serve as the spiritual leader of my home, who’d pray with me and for me every day, who’d build dreams with me, who’d be my best friend, and who’d find me altogether wonderful.  However, I’ve lived on the other side of the river, and I know there is nothing on this earth WORSE than being trapped in the wrong relationship!  I don’t intend to EVER go through another divorce, because God hates divorce.  That keeps me very, very cautious.  I am determined NOT to enter into ANY relationship that I do not feel is God’s personal design for me.  I CHOOSE to assign God all the matchmaking responsibility for my life.  Although I’d love to meet someone special to share my life, I am not going to go out looking.  I am not going to hound men for attention, nor flirt like a batty-eyed Betty Boop, nor make an unladylike pest of myself. 

 My God is a BIG GOD.  He is BIG ENOUGH and trustworthy enough to handle my love life!  He’s got it, and He does not need my help!!!