Do People Seem to Do You Dirty?

Are you a person who seems to always have trouble with people lying to you, taking advantage of you, and doing you dirty?  I am not talking about just dating relationships here, I am talking about family, friends, co-workers, co-church-members, etc.  That’s been a huge struggle in my life, and I know that some of you out there have the same issue.  We wonder why we keep encountering people who dump on us, no matter how we try to nurture them, accept them, love them, help them, etc.  We feel like we are doing everything right, but that we must just have been born jerk magnets.

I went through a time back in my single mom days when I felt like jerks were the only men who were ever attracted to me.  I felt like I could be in a room of 250 very nice people, but if there was even ONE man in the crowd who was selfish, irresponsible, a jerk, and an alcoholic, he’d find me and attach himself to my elbow within 10 minutes of my stepping into the room.  

I refused to even date for almost 3 years after my divorce from my first husband because I knew I was really messed up in the head from spending 9 years in the middle of his insanity and abuse.  I knew I needed to pull my life together and do some work on myself.  I went to school and I got a great job working for a contract company who did training out at Lockheed Martin.  I started at the bottom of the ladder and worked my way up into a really good position.  I was involved in a good church and went through some helpful workshops there. 

One that really helped me along the path was a group book study called “Search for Significance”.  Some of you may be familiar with it.  My self-esteem was almost completely destroyed during my abusive marriage, I’d been brainwashed into thinking I was nothing and worth nothing.  That is how abusers and controllers gain control over you, they erode your self-esteem and self-worth until you end up thinking you don’t deserve any better, and you’ll tolerate anything. 

There came a point when I thought I was “well”, and that I could begin dating.  I tried dating for about 4 years, but none of those relationships ever worked out well for me.  I was still active in church, still working on my spiritual growth, yet still attracting only jerks.  Irresponsible, or controlling, or manipulative, or deceptive, or dishonest, and yes, even the alcoholics were still attracted to me, even though I’d done all that spiritual work on myself.  After about the 5th train-wreck,  I decided I was done with trying to find a decent relationship, it was a complete waste of time. I decided that all men were jerks, none of them could be trusted, and I’d be better off spending my life alone.  So, for two whole years I completely stopped dating. 

Then I met my second husband, who died from cancer 5 years ago. He was definitely God-sent, because I learned from him that all men actually were not jerks.  Men were human, same as women, good and evil, same as women.  Men could love, the same as women could.  

He wasn’t perfect, but he was a good, decent Christian man who treated me like I was queen of the universe.  He totally doted on me, telling me at least 10 times a day how much he loved me.  I almost always had fresh flowers on my table. We were best friends, and we did everything together.  He was a recovered alcoholic who had done a lot of work on himself.  We regularly visited a Christian counselor for the first 14 months of our marriage, just to work through any kinks, and to deal with the blended family issues. We had a great life together, and I learned and grew a lot.  (So did he.)  After he died, for 2 years, I was determined I’d never love anyone else again, and that no one would ever love me as much as he had.  Somewhere during year 3, my own company got a little old.  I decided that I would like to find someone special to spend the rest of my life with.  I wasn't desperate, but I was open.

When I started venturing out again, I found that I was much “safer” because of all I’d learned through my own study and counseling, and all that God had divinely showed me and healed me from.  It was fairly easy for me to spot the men who were jerks, players, and liars, and thus avoid them, or at least walk away shortly after encountering them.  With God’s help, I was certainly able to prevent their making any harmful inroads into my life. Believe me, there are a lot more loosers out there than what you think!!!  So, there I was, with God keeping me from making a train-wreck of my life with the wrong man!  Hallelujah!!

However, I found that I had another problem.  That other problem was women.  My friend pool was severely diminished by my husband’s death.  All my married friends walked away from me, no exceptions.  I was very hurt by that at the time, but I have since come to understand and accept it.  Marrieds and singles simply do not mix.  It is what it is.  I learned within my widows support group that this friend abandonment scenario is very common with widows.  The very same thing happened to every other widow I knew in that support group.  Married friends no longer wished to be a part of their lives, they were cut off and out.  I forgave, moved on and made a few new friends to replace them.  Few means a small number. 

I became close friends with two single women, one who was in the middle of a divorce, and one widowed.  Within a couple of years, both of these women ended up treating me very badly, using me, taking advantage of me, abusing my friendship, and betraying me.  I did everything I could to be a loyal, accepting, loving friend to both of these women.  I poured a lot of myself into their lives.  I was always there for them when they were crying and lonely, I gave and did for them.  I kept their confidences, no matter how shocking some of them turned out to be.  So you can only imagine how very surprised and hurt I was when both of these women ended up knifing me in the back.  I am not talking small needle puncture wounds here, I am talking gaping gashes that left my entrails hanging out. 

The last betrayal left me very, very hurt.  It was really messing up my serenity.  Yes, that is a “buzz word”, I know.  I was involved in a Christian support group called “Celebrate Recovery” for over a year to try to deal with my grief issues when my husband passed away. We quoted the Serenity Prayer at every meeting.  My “serenity” was very disturbed by this woman's behavior.   I felt  anger nesting in my bosom, and I knew from experience that it would grow. Unforgiveness leading to bitterness would ensue if I did not address it immediately.  I had to work far too hard to gain my serenity in the first place to allow someone to steal it.  What is the old saying, "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison, hoping the other person will die"?

So, I took a Saturday morning to pray about the incident, and God showed me some amazing things.  I prayed, studied my Bible, and journaled for several hours to try to work through it. The result of all that was God showing me what part I played in the betrayal.  I’d been convinced the betrayals were their problem because they were just jealous, hateful, deceptive women.  Surprise surprise!!  They were jealous, hateful and deceptive, but I had a part in the way they treated me, too.  It’s amazing what God will show us when we ask Him!! 

When I went to church that night, I decided to walk through the church bookstore.  I don’t go in there often, because I am a Christian self improvement book addict.  I have shelves and shelves of them, and probably don’t need more.  I immediately spotted a little blue book called “Safe People: How to find relationships that are good for you and avoid those that aren’t” by Cloud and Townsend.  I immediately knew I was supposed to buy that book.  I did, and I read it through the next day. It became even clearer to me while reading that book what MY PART was in drawing people into my life who were “doing me dirty”.  

During my prayer and journaling that Saturday, before I bought the book, God gave me a most amazing epiphany.  An epiphany is what I call it when God puts a movie clip in my mind about what’s going on regarding a given situation.  I will share my epiphany with you in my next blog. I've already shared it with several friends, so my virtual friends get to hear about it next.  Meanwhile, may God richly bless you and provide direction.  And, if you have problems with people "doing you dirty", I cannot recommend strongly enough that you visit your Christian Bookstore and buy that book!  It will give you a new perspective.

Be blessed, my friends.  Until next time.